G Stands For Gretchen

G.I. GG

2009-09-14T22:58:00.002-06:00

When one wants to join the Army, or any Military branch for that matter, one has to go to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) to do pretty much everything. In the last few months I've been quite a few times in order for me to take the ASVAB and physical, sign a ton of papers, talk with people, and probably sign more papers. Today I went in again, but this time it was to sign my contract.

The Military puts us up in a nice hotel, sends us to bed with a decent dinner, and blasts us awake at 3:30AM. I can't eat breakfast that early, but I know if I don't, I'll be starving come 930. So I forced some toast and fruit down, and against my better judgment, avoided the coffee. We arrived at MEPS around 5:00 and then most of us proceeded to wait for a long while. Oh how the coffee would have been wonderful around 8:30.

Finally, my name was called somewhere around 10:30 and I got to review my entire application with Sergent Jullette. He was a wonderful man full of great stories, and a good heart. Due to computer issues I got to spend a good two hours with him. A little while later, he got on the phone and read my social security number to someone and then looked at me and said, "You're leaving February 17th. Fort Sill, Oklahoma." Just like that.

Sergent Jullette finished my paperwork, I went to review and pick up my contract, was fingerprinted and then sat and waited some more. I had lunch with a girl I'd been talking to throughout the entire day. She's also going OCS, but had just been waiting all day long. I'm eager to find out when her ship date is and if we'll be in the same school.

I know this is a rather dry read, but really, it was a rather dry day: a lot of waiting with a few little bits of interest mixed in there. And then around 1:30 they called for those ready to take the Oath of Enlistment.

We were taken to a rather small, but formal room with beautiful wooden walls, plush red carpet, a podium, the flag from each branch of the Military and the American flag. We were instructed on how to stand before the Lieutenant came in and how to stand once he came in and how to stand while taking the oath. Lieutenant Berringer came through the door and the six of us stood at attention: heels together and feet at a 45-degree angle, arms at our sides with closed fists, thumbs facing out and at the seam of our pants.

The Lieutenant spoke of how few people choose this path and how it is a path to be proud of. He spoke of other things but I was to focused on trying not to cry to really hear what he said. I am still a girl! He asked us to raise our right hands and repeat after him:

"I, Gretchen Gaskins, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."

As I spoke this aloud, again trying not to cry, I knew that this is what I am meant to do at this time. It was an incredible moment.

With that spoken, I became a soldier in the United States Army.

I leave February 17th for Basic Training. On May 3rd I start Officer's Candidate School. And God willing, I'll be a 2nd Lieutenant a year from now. The adventure has begun and I can't wait to see where it takes me!!!!!

A Year Later

2009-09-09T23:17:00.002-06:00

A year ago, I was in Germany. September 9, 2008 was probably one of the best days of my life. IT was the day I sang Gretchen am Sprinnrade in the Bayreuth Festspielhaus. That day will forever be etched in my memory reminding me of how great God truly is and what beautiful gifts He gives to us.

Fast forward to today, September 9th, 2009. I surprisingly got to sing this song again, for much different reasons, but incredible nonetheless!

You need a little back story (This is something I should have shared quite a while ago, but wasn't confident enough for it to be real. It is completely real now!):

I'm joining the Army. And yes! I'm being serious!

About two months ago, my dad and I were talking about what I was doing with my life. I offhandedly made a joke about joining the Army. He wrote me a few days later and said I should really look into it. I'd wanted to join since before college, but instead, did the whole school and life thing. I don't regret it one bit! I did always wonder, though, "what could have been?"

I did a ton of research, decided I wanted to become an Officer and attend Officer's Candidate School (OCS), then talked with a recruiter. I knew, walking in there, that I was a go on this. We set up a time for me to take the ASVAB (the entrance exam) on which I scored phenomenally. After that it was the physical, which I passed. You'll be happy to know I'm not pregnant, and I still have 20/20 vision. But can I just say it was also one of the most awkward things I've ever gone through! Through all this, I was doing a mound of paper work that included writing an essay on "Why I want to be an Army Officer", getting recommendation letters, filling out a 25-page application for a national security position, having background and credit checks run, and collecting my school transcripts, diplomas, and birth certificate.

The only thing left was the OCS Board: an interview with three Officers who either recommend you to attend OCS, or do not recommend you. The board was today.

I was nervous all last night and as I was getting ready this morning, but when I arrived at the Battalion Command, I settled down. I actually do like interviews, so I wasn't too worried. The hard part was the waiting. There were thirteen candidates and I was the very last one. Each interview took about 30-45 minutes and WOW was it a long day! But it was finally my turn and I went in.

Sitting at the table were Major Robinson, a twenty year female Officer, the head of the board and who would give the final approval, Captain Rodriguez, a younger male Officer, and Captain Colbert, a 21 year male Officer.

They asked me to sit down, tell them a little about myself and why I wanted to be an Officer. They asked a few physical fitness questions, a few job related questions, a few travel questions... Then Captain Colbert asked me what I was most proud of in the last five years. I thought for a moment and said my senior recital. I worked so hard for some of the most beautiful pieces of music, and I loved every second of it.

Then, and here is the kicker, Major Robinson asked me to sing something for them. I really thought she was kidding and looked to the two Captains who gave me no guidance. I asked "You really want me to sing?!?!?!?" And she said yes, if I'm so proud of my degree and working hard on my recital, she wanted to hear it. After the initial shock wore off, I stood up and sang.

Gretchen am Spinnrade didn't sound quite as glorious as it did in Bayreuth but it was still one of those moments I will never forget. I finished and the Major said, "Do you know what that tells me? You may have thought that it was a silly request to do that, but what it showed me is that you are confident, energetic, able to think quickly, make snap decisions, and those are all attributes we look for in an Officer."

There were other things that went were asked and said, but I think the song is what did it for them. Major Robinson gave me the highest grade of recommendation to attend OCS and wished me her very best. It really was one of the most incredible days.

I still can't believe all this is happening, but I am so proud of myself and sooooooooooo excited to see where I am going. I finally feel like I may be finding my niche in life. So it took me a little longer, but I think it's going to be awesome! Next up is signing my name on the dotted line, being sworn in as a Soldier, and finding out my ship date for Basic Training. EEK!

And I would like to thank Franz Schubert for writing such an incredible song that means so much to the happenings in my life. Who knew it could travel with me to so many places? And who knows where it might take me next.

Read on here.

Thoughts on Failure

2009-08-26T09:21:00.002-06:00

My pseudo-roommate, Jacob, and I were hanging out on the couches yesterday as he procrastinated packing for his move back to Colombia by playing Rock Band. We were both caught up in our own technological worlds and interrupted those with bits of conversation. At one point he asked me, "How do you do with failure."

I had to ask him to clarify. And he kind of narrowed it down to a few, very basic types:

1. The type that won't try anything new unless they know they will be good at it.
2. The type will try a whole bunch of things, fail at some, do well at others, and be great at a few.
or 3. The type that will try new things, but must master one thing before moving on to the next.

Our discussion was very brief, and it mainly focused on Rock Band. Jacob was playing the expert level and said he was the type that would try over and over again until he passed
a song, but he didn't have to get a 100% to pass it. He would be happy just passing.

This made me think... How do I do with failure?

Well, for one thing, nobody likes to fail. It's humbling, demeaning, and over all just really hard to deal with. BUT --- It is inevitable that we will fail at many things through life. I might even argue that we are meant to fail.

That being said, I think I'm okay with failure. I'd rather try and fail at something than never try at all. But I think I'm more the type that will try over and over and over again until I get it right. Not that I've ever played Rock Band, but I think I'd be the type to play again and again until I passed the song. I may not aim for 100%, but I'll keep trying until I get a high enough score. In life, I'm not keen on just letting things fall by the wayside, and saying oh well.

What about you? How do you do with failure?

Highlights

2009-08-25T15:23:00.002-06:00

Okay it's been three months since last blog... EEK! And I want to start writing again.

But how does one start from where they left off? Especially when nothing really exciting ever happens? Although that certainly isn't true

The past three months have consisted of:
1. Working.
2. Moving.
3. Painting.
4. Smashing my finger in a doorway.
5. Working.
6. Moving.
7. Painting.
8. Watch my finger turn from blue to black.
9. Working.
10. Moving.
11. Painting.
12. Watching my fingernail fall off.

Pretty exciting life, huh? Actually my life is pretty awesome!

I'm living with some amazing friends out in Morrison, and while I miss my apartment and downtown life, I feel much more content and more Gretchen-like away from it all. I've been watching my friends kids a throughout the summer and have found tons of joy through their sweet laughs. My job has ceased to challenge me in many ways, but I am building deeper friendships there.

Perhaps the most wonderful part of life though, is that I'm pretty sure I know what comes next. I actually think I might know what comes next. Just one more hurdle to get pass through, and I'll be on my way. And then I'll tell you : )

But for now you'll just have to wait.

Bill and Ginny

2009-05-25T09:11:00.005-06:00

It's a quiet morning this Memorial Day.

I sit in my apartment, drinking my coffee, and waiting for my hair to dry. I hear the birds chirping and the squirrels squeaking. It's lovely. Like every Memorial Day for the past ten years, I'm working today. Kind of gets in the way of remembering what we're supposed to be remembering.

My mom and Dale are in Kansas City putting flowers on the graves. My granddaddy passed away before I was born, so I only know the stories of how wonderful he was. But I got to know Granny.

She passed away this past October, and now I'm sure she's dancing on the streets of Heaven with her beloved Bill. But for us down here, we just get to remember her.

I hope you get to take a moment today and remember those you love.

Lost amongnst the...

2009-05-21T22:53:00.004-06:00

It's been about a year since I started this blog, and this is my 66th post.

Woohoo.

I'm kind of bored and uninspired. Yeah, things are happening in my life. Today I sent a resume to an organization for which I am really excited about the possibility of working. I went on a great date about a month ago, but I haven't heard anything since then. I canceled a date for tonight. I haven't seen my furry friend since that first time. My apartment building now has hardwood floors in the hallways. It looks nice.

But I feel as if I'm lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs... (On my iTunes right now, just for you, Brother)

Vague reference, yes, but I do feel a bit lost. Especially amidst this blog. Again. I want to write, but I have nothing to inspire me. Or maybe it's that I have been consumed in a life outside of the little world I have created for myself over the last month. Friends, wedding, family, friends, who knows what, friends... I've barely had a moment alone. It's been great, don't get me wrong. I just don't REALLY know what to write right now.

My mind is jumbled.

So I'll just leave. Ugh. I hate writing nothing. But thank you for baring with me : )

Or is it bearing with me? What is the proper spelling for this instance? Hmph.

A Delightful Home, Apparently

2009-05-01T06:52:00.003-06:00

I love my apartment. While it has the drawbacks of an old building, the charms of it far outweigh the quirks of an oven lighting me on fire or the water shutting off in the shower at random times. I love the little details of old places, I love the colors abounding everywhere, and I love that it's cluttered with books and pretty paper and pictures. And I like to keep it fairly clean, especially as of late when I can't seem to sleep very well. I've woken up and cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, taken the trash out, all before 7:30. And it's actually been quite nice.

All that to say that I am comfortable and content here at 1320.

And apparently I have made such a comfortable and content home that a little furry creature has taken up residence somewhere behind my radiator. Yeah...

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS LITTLE QUIRK OF OLD BUILDINGS!

My First Love

2009-04-25T23:36:00.003-06:00

I went to the opera tonight. I've been wanting to go since I found out two months ago Opera Colorado would be producing Cosi fan tutte, but tickets can be expensive and life is even more so. I was putting it off until about 3:30 today when I thought "Hells bells! I'm going to go. What else am going to do tonight? Watch some Alias, drink some wine and play on my computer. Not a good enough excuse!"

I dug out my dresses from the back of my closet and immediately picked out my favorite: a dark magenta silk sheath with lovely little adornments of lace and a copper broach. I bought it for my friend Alex's wedding two? three? years ago and it still remains in my top five of best clothing buys ever. My hair was already done from earlier, and my make-up was easy, if not a little dramatic... I thought of you, Kate : ) A pair of dark copper toned heels completed the ensemble.

I felt beautiful. And though I was going alone, it's still fun for a girl to dress up just for herself.

I bought my ticket, went inside, proceeded to wander around the Ellie (Denver's opera house) and people watch. It's always fun to see what women will wear to an opera. There are full gowns, fancy cocktail dresses (insert me here), simple cotton dresses, business pants with sequined tops, and even the occasional pair of jeans.

I found my seat and perused to playbill while waiting for the performance to begin. And I though a lot about college... Cosi fan tutte is near and dear to my heart because I understudied the role of Despina my last semester. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. One of the hardest as well, but still... Utterly beautiful.

As the orchestra started playing, I remembered, for about the 57th time this year, how my first love in art is music. Before there was paper and fancy writing, before there was paint and decorating, before there were flowers and ribbon, even before there was photography, there was music. I remember the day I decided to get off that train. I remember knowing "It's okay to walk away from this now." And it really was okay. But I also know that there have been very few days that I don't miss singing.

I am so thankful for tonight, and yet so lonely as well. There is a void in my heart that only one form of art can fill, and somehow I need to get back on that train.

On Cooking and Food

2009-04-16T22:40:00.003-06:00

I love to cook.

I may not cook often. I may not be terribly creative (and by terribly creative, I mean not at all). And I may not have even CLOSE to the ideal kitchen for cooking.

But I still love to cook.

There is something very soul-satisfying to me when I spend and hour in my kitchen chopping, sauteing, mixing, simmering, baking, broiling, cleaning, dicing, or boiling. Even if I have made something absolutely horrible for me healthwise (chocolate chip cookies or tuna casserole), I still feel as if I did something better for myself than buying it from the store. I do, in fact, pride myself on not buying ready made food very often. True confession: I'm a little horrified that there are frozen fish things, a Totino's Pizza, and flautas in my freezer. At the same time, they taste so good, and they really are indulgences. That Totino's has been in there for a few weeks now.

I try to eat healthily. I like my fruit and my veggies. I like my proteins a whole heck of a lot. Mmmmmm.... MEAT! Bread and pasta are the necessary evils that fill me up, but I try to get the whole grain stuff. And by the way, whole grain pasta is pretty much disgusting, in my opinion, but I still try to eat it every now and then. When it comes to dairy, I'm good. Milk is pretty much straight from God. Really.

So I've got my good food pyramid. And minus my extreme addiction to sweets, I think I do pretty well with it.

This post is going somewhere differently than I originally intended it... COOKING!

Tonight is a great example of how I work in a kitchen. I made a recipe of my friend Karissa's mom's. I've been meaning to make it for FOREVER. It's a cabbage... salad? Let's call it that. I looked up the recipe and "followed" it. Rarely do I actually follow a recipe.

It called for 1 cup oil, 1/3 cup vinegar, and 1/2 cup sugar, in addition to other ingredients. Did I actually measure accurately? Of course not! I mixed my oil types. I guessed at the amount of vinegar, and I'm pretty sure there was not quite a 1/2 cup of sugar (despite LOVING sugar, I to curb that addiction whenever possible). I don't really follow recipes. They're just sort of guides and I take my own route to the final product. I really can't tell you the last time I measured anything exactly in the kitchen. And I tend to add something when I feel like it. Like tonight, I felt like chicken so I put some chicken in the chicken-less cabbage salad.

Oh! And if you want me to measure and cut paper, I will be so precise you will get annoyed waiting for me. Just so you know : )

Back to the kitchen.... Should we dare talk about my equipment? I pulled out a knife tonight that I have never used before. It DEFINITELY didn't work in chopping cabbage, by the way. I don't know what it's good for. In fact, I don't know what three of the knives in my collection do. They will probably sit there for a few more years. And should I even tell you that I mix my everythings without mixing bowls. I don't have mixing bowls. I don't really know why either. Every time I make cookies, or cupcakes, or cabbage salad, or pretty much anything, I use either my large square casserole dish or big pasta pot. I get annoyed that I haven't bought mixing bowls yet. Every time I cook something needing a bowl instead of something square shaped I wonder at myself, and yet nine months have passed. Apparently I don't need them too much. Back to the not measuring thing: I don't have measuring spoons either. You can go ahead and chastise me now.

And despite all of this, I still love to cook. I do all my chopping, sauteing, mixing, simmering, baking, broiling, cleaning, dicing, or boiling within a seven foot area. My counter space measures about three feet. Sometimes, like tonight, I made a COMPLETE mess. But I had fun. I cooked. And I disobeyed all rules.

And I totally loved it!

Dreams

2009-03-31T01:23:00.000-06:00

It's 1:02am.

I was supposed to be asleep about three hours ago. Instead, I have been tossing and turning, and not just physically. My mind keeps doing flip-flops and I'm not sure I know what do to with it. Tonight is not the night I'm supposed to be kept awake.

So I decided to get up and sit and ponder on my couch for a while.

My dreams were always pretty simple (in no particular order):
- Go to Germany.
- Get married and have a family.
- Pay off my student loans.

But last year, this guy I know, Jesus, threw a wrench into my dreams and has been screwing with them. He's asking me to really dream. What's the difference, you ask? Well, I'm apparently supposed to dream outside of the student loan box. Dream deeper. Dream bigger. Dream impossibly.

The thing about dreaming that big, for me at least, is that I doubt myself too much. And in turn, I doubt Him too much. I barely even think about what the biggest, most outrageous, gargantuan dream would be. There is no way that I am capable of those. Yet that is where He is calling me. Over and over and over again.

I'm not a disciplined person. I don't know how to do what He is asking of me. And all I can see is failure on the horizon. Does this mean I don't trust Him? Yes and no, but I think the bigger reality is that I don't trust myself to be hearing correctly. And if that is the case, then I will fail. And I will miss out and what was supposed to be the call.

And I already feel as if I have missed out on so much. Germany happened. The marriage and family will come. The student loans will get paid. But these dreams that have been building in me... I fear they will fade into oblivion. I fear I will miss out on it. I fear He'll let me be the undisciplined wreck I am and He'll say "Okay." We'll continue on, and life will be fine, and the dreams will subside, but the deep yearnings... Well, I don't know if I can handle them sitting in the bottom of my heart for the rest of my life.

Where do I go from here? How do I get there? What is it You want of me?

Both easily confused and very confusing.

2009-03-28T08:41:00.001-06:00

The sometimes brilliant part about living in Denver and sometimes not brilliant (right now I vote for not brilliant) is the day after an awesome snow storm, the sun comes out and everything melts. Well, not quite everything, in the case of yesterday. But a whole heck of a lot.

It was a sight to see: the streets steaming as if they were furious a snowstorm would to cover them, trees throwing off their snowballs as quickly as they possibly could, and rivers and ponds surging more quickly then those in the Serengeti. Not that I actually know what rivers in the Serengeti look like when they surge.

The air was still quite chill but the sun was it's typically blazing self and as I spent twenty minutes, no joke there, cleaning off my car, I didn't have to wear a coat. It's a slightly odd feeling when you know you should be cold, but just aren't. Although I would have preferred it to have continued snowing all day long, I'm just so thankful we got a bunch of those big white flakes.

And of course I wasn't smart enough to take my camera outside yesterday. No pictures of our angry streets or raging rivers. Sometimes I do wonder about myself.

But that's not what I really want to talk about. I just wanted to finish the snow storm story. As I sit here on this fine Saturday morning, I am remembering a blog I read a few days ago. The author, a heavily tattooed pastor out of Cincinnati, had read a book where celebrities and obscurities had written six word memoirs. You can see the site with book here. Some of the favorites I have read so far:

To a nail, everything's a hammer. -Pannonica

Touch my soy mocha and die. -Litsa

Towel thrown in. God returned it. -Unknown

Walked the adventure. Hated shoe shopping. -Nadine

graphic designer gone techie still searching -Kerry

Parents are ministers. I'm gay. Boom! -magiccrystaltree

It's interesting to think about what six words I would string together to define my life. Part of me wants to be funny. Part of me wants to be serious. Part of me wants to go skydiving. Oh wait. That's not what we're talking about here.

The first six words that popped into my head actually came from an e-mail I wrote to a couple of girlfriends the other day. And the more I think about it, the more I think it might be my memoir for this time in life. Maybe not just this time in life. Maybe all of life...

Both easily confused and very confusing.

What would your six words be? Heartfelt? Laughable? Sorrowful? Angry? Share if you like, but think about it. It's quite fun!

Come on! Get happy!

2009-03-27T00:17:00.000-06:00

IT SNOWED TODAY!!!!

When I woke up at 7:30 this morning, I was hoping for a few good inches but there was nothing but a few little flurries. So much for all the snow that was predicted. I wore my ski coat and warm mittens to work, though, since I new it was going to be chilly.

When I walked out the door at 8:20 it was there was already a light dusting. As I walked by the Capitol five minutes later, the snow was starting to move horizontally. I hoped and prayed that it would really continue all day long.

At 8:45 it was murky and dim and snowing and cold and utterly beautiful. I couldn't help but smile all the way to work. Never mind the fact that my shoes and socks were getting quite wet and I didn't bring a dry pair of either.

At 10:00 it was still coming down with no hope of letting up. YES!

(Side note: Thanks to my manager for letting me use the AWESOME 12-24mm ultra wide angle lens for the following shots. I'm in love with it!)

(Another side note: Have I mentioned I love alleys?)

Walking home at 3:00 was still a cold, wet, delightful mess. At Civic Center Park...

Accumulation from walking past at 8:30 until walking past again at 3:15... Five or so inches and STILL GOING!

Then at 8:30-ish I decided I of course needed to go out and take some night shots of the snow... This is my alley... I like it a whole bunch : )

It's now 12:15, and it is STILL SNOWING. Sixteen hours have passed since it started and it is gloriously snowing. I don't mean to be bizarre about all the snow, but seriously! I didn't get a good, solid winter. All this pansy stuff of 50-60 degree days. There were even days that topped 75. I wanted snow and cold and bitterness. I know, I'm weird, but I'm okay with it.

I still praying that it's snowing when I wake up in the morning. That will be BEAUTIFUL!

On Not Keeping Up

2009-03-19T21:49:00.003-06:00

How is that my life can get so messy so quickly. And I'm not talking about spiritual or emotional messes. I'm straight up talking about physical messes.

I seriously feel as if I clean my apartment about three or four nights every week. And I'm generally a clean person! I've done the dishes three times this week already. I barely remember eating with all these dishes, but all of the sudden, my sink is filled back up with dishes. Thank God for rubber gloves.

And then shall we talk about the ironing board that I keep on intending to use that I have yet to use. It's been sitting out for about four days now. Apparently I wear ten pairs of shoes every three days because I seem to be constantly putting shoes away. And it is seriously impossible for me to put my dirty socks in my hamper instead of RIGHT NEXT TO THE HAMPER. Really. I got home tonight, looked at it, and thought "WHAT is wrong with you, Gretchen?"

There are chapsticks strewn in a few places throughout the apartment (so I have one nearby whenever I need one, of course). My camera gear is scattered amidst the my books, and my bed cannot seem to get made this week. Hmmm...

You see, the thing is, if you were to walk into my apartment right now, you wouldn't think it's a pigsty, just slightly disorganized. But how does it happen in just two days?!?!?!? I just picked everything up (well, except the ironing board... I have no excuse for that).

I don't know. I know I can get a bit cluttered, but I have really tried to clean up after myself in the past year-ish. My apartment is way to small to contain a big mess. And yet it still gets messy. Oh well... Maybe one day I'll be able to hire a maid to clean up after me. How awesomely pathetic would that be?

Oh dear.

Mein Lieblingsfoto

2009-03-11T18:55:00.005-06:00

In honor of the two dear, old German ladies that came into work today, we are having a German title to this blog. In English it says "My Favorite Photo."

This is another experiment in film, but this picture may be making me fall drastically in love with film. I put a roll of black and white in my camera after I finished off the color. Of the 24 pictures I got, there were seven that didn't turn out too well, four that were okay, four very uninteresting shots, three that could have been great if I had changed a few things, five good memories, and this ONE:

I took it after I dropped my mom off at the airport last week. Maybe it's not the greatest photo on the planet. BUT I LOVE IT!

I love it because of the shallow depth of field, and the sharp focus on the knobby part of the the tree. I love how high the contrast is. I love how I infer the rest of the photo. I love that I don't feel obligated to edit it. I love it just the way it is.

And you know what else I think is so great about it? It took me a few minutes to figure out how to meter the lighting of the sunny day. It took me a few minutes to find the right point of focus, and to actually focus perfectly. It took time! What do I know about actually taking time to make one great shot? Not much, but I'm learning. Digital makes our lives so easy now-a-days. That picture didn't turn out? Okay, well, let's just take another twenty. It's too easy!

Not that I don't LOVE digital, and not that I am at all ungrateful for it. I'm just ecstatic that I put real effort into a roll of film and got one of my favorite photos I've taken in the last few months.

How many times in life do we really work at something? And how much more proud of our accomplishments are we when there is energy and time and thought put into them? I love this photo that reason.

Still makes me happy!

Little Changes In Normality

2009-03-08T22:14:00.002-06:00

Growing up, I would rearrange my room every few months. Through the course of a year or two I would see the same arrangements, I just needed to change. And I still love to do it. Unfortunately, my room is fairly small and I can't really figure out a different way to change it up. As is my living room. I am well in love with my apartment so I can live without the rearrangements. But I realized earlier this weekend that I am not tied to the polka dots that have lived on here for so long.

So I'm changing it up. Hope you don't mind. Who knows, maybe we'll have weekly changes on here. Well, that would be fine if I could actually write weekly.

In other news, well... It seems as if there is no other news. I sat at my coffee shop this morning writing for awhile, worked a very slow yet fun day, went to church and played with the Finn Master, worked out and am now finishing up Pleasantville, quite the fantastic movie.

My life is dull. I work. I make dinner. I watch a movie (or tv on dvd). Sometimes I see friends. But mostly, my life is lived a little mile radius. Perhaps this is boring. Perhaps it's not the way life is supposed to be. Perhaps this is preparation for craziness. BUT my life is mine.

My walks to work find me meandering and touching the grasses. I stare up at the buildings in downtown, dreaming of a time when there was just sky to gaze up at, and wondering if the people who now occupy the buildings like their lives as much as I like mine. I try to smile readily at the strangers I pass and I try to not take the day too seriously as it passes.

My life is quiet. But I don't think it's dull. I may not be changing the world or a famous opera singer, but I think it's still a beautiful life. And I'm thankful for it.

And I'll probably want to rearrange it in a few more months!

Adventures in Film

2009-03-06T23:08:00.006-07:00

Dale, my stepdad, bought a Canon camera in August of 1985. I was four at the time and he wasn't married to my mom at the time. And I'm pretty sure it was a pretty nice camera, at the time. In fact, I'm sure it's still a pretty nice camera...

Considering it uses film.

About eight years ago I hijacked this camera from one of the closets in my parents home. I thought it'd be more fun than the little non-fancy point and shoot I was using. So I played around with it, and got a FEW really good shots. I used it up until about four years ago, when I bought my first digital camera. I haven't touched it since then.

After working in a camera store for a few months now, I've gotten to see a bunch of different types of pictures come through, and different media types. I've seen great digital photos, and HORRIBLE digital photos. I've seen beautiful film prints, and grotesque film prints. But it got me thinking that maybe I should try film again.

I actually know what most of the buttons do now. What does the aperture do when combined with the shutter speed? What does the ISO do? How do I read the light meter? I actually know what a lot of these mean! It been exciting to figure out and realize how much I've learned over the past few years. Not that I actually know a ton, but still.

It's the small things in life that make me happy!

All the pictures are from the roll that was still stuck in the camera from four-plus years ago, but considering it's that old, I think they turned out alright. They are straight out of the camera. No Photoshop. No edits. No nothing but the camera. Eek! I feel like I'm baring my soul a little too much at the moment!

I'm working on another roll right now, and I'm even more excited about that since learning more stuff about film. Like a gray card. Hmmmm... It's an exciting old world I'm in! And thanks for bearing with me as I talk, yet again, about photography. It is this thing I sort of like : )

Much love tonight!

(Oh! And if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty much obsessed with the alley behind my work. Hope that's not too gross for you germ-a-phobes!)

Welcome Back To the Rambling

2009-03-05T20:11:00.005-07:00

So apparently I have problems writing a blog more than twice a month. Hmmm... The thing is, I really do enjoy writing. Why then do I have such a hard time writing? I have no clue. Maybe it's because I have been reading voraciously and watching movies just as... voraciously? Can you voraciously watch movies? Well, if you can I have been. Actually I haven't been watching movies, I've been watching TV shows. Last month I got a Netflix membership and have been reaping the benefits of watching entire seasons without commercials. Love it!

Yeah... I've holed up away from this blog. Sorry.

And in honor of it being March 5th... Wait isn't today the Ides of March? Or is it the 15th?...I'm going to share the story of my life today. Aren't you excited?!?!?!?

I awoke, straightened my hair, walked to work with my friend Jessica, worked a rather slow morning, read some of my book at lunch, worked a rather slow afternoon, and made a new friend. Now this is where it gets interesting: At the end of the day, I hurriedly changed from my black pants into my jeans. My phone is almost always in my back pocket and this was no exception in my pants. I took my phone out of my pocket set it down and put my jeans on. Alas, I did not put my phone back in my back pocket. Right at this moment, more than two hours after I left work, my phone is still sitting where I put it.

For most of my life I have wished that I could have lived in the previous century. Sometime in the 1800s would be wonderful, even the early 1900s would be fine. I just hate that I have to be so reliant on technology. I LOVE my computer. I LOVE my car. I LOVE movies. I LOVE my phone. And I LOOOOOOOOVE my camera. But I HATE that I am going absolutely bonkers without my phone!

How wonderful would it be without all of this technology? Yes, without all of it, I wouldn't be able to stay in touch with most of you, and I am thankful for it every single day. But how much more peaceful would life be? How many more letters would we write to each other? How much more special would our time together be? How much more quiet would this world be? How delightful?

So this night while I sit on my computer writing this and sit on my couch watching the first season of "Alias", I am going to enjoy the "quiet" without my phone. Or at least try to enjoy. It's a mad, mad, mad world. But one less technological device is always a good thing. At least I might keep telling myself this is a good thing.

Oh how I wish I wouldn't ramble about the opposite things I love so much...

And can someone tell me how to wake myself up for work without my alarm on my phone. This should be interesting!

Come On Baby Light My Fire

2009-02-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago my friend Angie came over for dinner. She has been in Colombia for what seems like forever and this was our first time seeing each other in about two months. Before that it was hard to find a week where we weren't seeing each other. So two months is a long time for us... She's dear to me, to say the least.

We caught up on her trip, a little, chatted about stupid stuff (which we tend to do), and eased back into our extremely cozy friendship. After a few hours I realized I was hungry and started to make dinner. OF COURSE this involved making cookies before hand. And besides, I had all the ingredients to chocolate chip cookies (personal favorite), so why not?!?!?!? My other desert choices were frozen blackberries, frozen mangoes, or frozen grapes. Not much, to say the least. So I set the butter out to thaw and we continued talking.

A little while later, when the butter was half melted/half frozen (I keep my butter in the freezer... don't ask) I started mixing the ingredients. Now, anyone who has ever baked cookies before knows that you have to preheat your oven. I set my oven to the perfect Nestle Tollhouse 350 degrees. And yes, Nestle Tollhouse does make the BEST chocolate chip cookies. Just ask Pheobe and Monica : )

Did I by chance mention that the stove in my apartment (built in 1925) can only be a decade or two older than the founding year? I have to light it almost every time I turn on the gas.

Angie and I were still deep in conversation when I smelled gas. Now, on normal days I would turn the oven on and immediately light the fire. And on normal days, if I forgot that crucial point, I would turn the gas off, wait a few minutes, and then start over.

This was not a normal day.

I smelled the gas and thought "OH! I have to light this sucker!"

So I got out my little lighter, the one with the really long end (you know... not the cigarette lighters, but the fire starters...). I was still talking to Angie when I pulled out the bottom drawer (where the pans would go, if they fit) of the oven and ignited my lighter.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed.

Angie screamed.

Angie apparently asked "ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?"

I apparently said "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT OKAY"

All I felt was heat. Burning. The blistering heat that makes you catch your breath.

"AM I STILL ALIVE?"

Yes.

And then the questions:

Is my red hair gone? Is my face blistered? What happened? Am I okay? How do I differentiate between physical reality and emotional reality?

All of those questions happened in less than a second.

I realized I was breathing. I wasn't in pain, but more shock. A dull heat was left over, but that was fading. I could hear Angie's voice.

And then the smell. Have you ever smelled burnt hair? It's awful!!!!!!!!

It almost smelled like plastic and wood burning at the same time, only with a piece of life attached to it. It was all I could concentrate on.

And then I touched my hair.

"This isn't what it feels like," I thought.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!! I'M SINGED!" was the next runner through my mind.

There were pieces eager to break off. Tightly wound, brittle curls, colored a dead blond hue. The smell of burnt hair permeated the air and I thought I might gag a few times before I realized, "I NEED TO SHOWER!"

But of course I needed to look in the mirror first.

OH. MY. GOD.

Not only was my hair singed, but also my eyebrows. And my goodness did my hand hurt! Oh yeah, it's red and seriously burned. Good job, Gretchen. Good job!

I showered to get the smell out of my hair and then returned to the scene of the crime. There were cookies to bake!

In the day or two that followed I noticed that not only do I have a shorn look to my hairline and my eyebrows are quite a bit shorter than they should be, my eyelashes also got trimmed. Awesome. And in addition to my burned hand I also lost about three millimeters off of each hair above my wrist. And about two millimeters off of every hair on my face. Again, awesome.

So yeah, that's my burn victim story. And here are a few pictures that should make you laugh : )

The Culprit:

Where I stupidly stuck my hand:

I was still a bit.... frazzled.... And totally freaked.
Cause I know you wanted a close up : )
Uh... yeah.

Thanks Ang for documenting it!

SquirrelBaby

2009-02-13T21:35:00.005-07:00

So five years after I'd hoped to have more pictures of the Lensbaby up, I bring you SquirrelBaby. During my first few weeks of having the Lensbaby I carried my camera everywhere and was a little obsessed with taking pictures of squirrels. Don't ask why. The only answer I'll be able to give you is that they were always in my path and so why not?

And now I bring you the much anticipated (I'm so sure!)... SquirrelBaby!

OOOOO! These are both good examples of the Lensbaby... Do you see how the edges are kind of blurred and distorted? It's what the Lensbaby is all about. Distortion. And that is why I LOVE IT! It's actually a lens that mounts right onto the camera body. It looks like a spring mounted onto the camera and you choose your area of focus by moving the spring in a 360-degree motion, until you figure out what you want to focus on. It's all manual, and for me the uber-amateur photographer, it's a bit on the... interesting side. But the distortion is still oh-so-wonderful!!!

And there you have it! I won't subject you to more squirrels for quite some time now, so don't fret too much : )

In other thoughts... I'm sorry it's taken a bit of time to write more. In all honesty, my mind has been a bit blank as of late so I haven't really given much thought to writing. Sorry about that! I will try to be better still... There is much to write now, if only I could formulate the words. We shall see, right?!?!?!?!?

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-30T22:20:00.003-07:00

It seems like all of my friends on Facebook are writing 25 Random Things about themselves, so I thought I'd do it. And since I haven't posted here in a few days (ahem, week), I thought I'd cheat and use this on here as well! In other news, my goal for the weekend is to put up some more Lensbaby shots. So look forward to that : )

1. I love Mountain Dew. And I hate that I love it.
2. I've come to realize that I am Charlotte, but I really, really wish I was Carrie.
3. If I had the money, I would redecorate my apartment every few months.
4. I have more books that I haven't read than I have read. I have a love affair with used book stores.
5. I sometimes love wine more than Mountain Dew.
6. My "kitchen" table is COMPLETELY covered with art supplies, paper, albums, paint... Even underneath it is full.
7. When I'm bored and start singing or whistling, 9 times out of 10, it's the Indiana Jones theme.
8. I pretty much think SolarQuest is the best board game ever.
9. I don't think life is composed of shades of gray. There is magenta, chartreuse, navy, slate, olive, goldenrod...
10. I think I was born about 150 years too late.
11. I'm a Mac girl. And I'll never go back.
12. I sang at the Bayreuth Festspielhaus.
13. Totino's Pizzas are amazing.
14. I would love to marry a cowboy, if Jesus gave me one.
15. I lo-lo-lo-love cloudy days. My one major, deal-breaker with Colorado is that there are 3,000,000,000 days of sunshine per year here.
16. I'm a morning person. I TRY to wake up before seven every day.
17. I want to learn Russian one day, and I want to perfect my German.
18. I think there is something stunning in everything.
19. I'm horrible at communication, but fiercely love my friends and family.
20. I love being called my nicknames.
21. I have a HUGE fear of drowning and falling through ice. And I'm not a real big fan of bridges, either.
22. I sometimes feel like I am missing out on something Jesus has for me.
23. I own all six seasons of Dawson's Creek.
24. I never wanted to live in a city, but I love living in Denver.
25. I cry every time I watch The Little Mermaid, Armegeddon, Sex and the City, and The Lion King.

Been There, Done That?

2009-01-22T22:00:00.003-07:00

I've traveled quite a bit.

If my calculations are correct, I've seen almost all of the contiguous United States, minus three or four states. I've been to Mexico and Canada. I've been to Mozambique and quite a few places in Europe. If you've been reading this blog for a bit of time, you know how I traveled through Germany and Austria for a little more than two weeks this past year.

I consider myself fairly well traveled.

Throughout my travels with Mom and Dale, and also with Dad, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to see too many of the same things twice. I've been awed at Niagara Falls and Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon and the Space Needle. I've been shopped in a little village in Mexico and the Mall of America. I've tasted the salt water of the Atlantic and the Pacific. I've seen extreme poverty, and extreme opulence.

I've seen a lot. And I know that there is so much more to see. I long to see the quiet, yet booming culture of Japan. I want to walk on the Great Wall and climb an Incan Pyramid. I want to see penguins in Antarctica and polar bears in Alaska. I want to do it all. I want to see EVERYTHING.

And yet...

I sat here tonight, not knowing what to write, and almost deciding to go to bed. My eyes fell upon my Germany/Austria guide book. I don't know why I haven't stored it in a less obvious place. But I saw it and I immediately started to tear up. Is it possible for one place to hold me captive so intently? Before I went on my big adventure I would have chosen Germany as my top destination. And yet, since I have come back, I have only wanted to return.

I've been there. I've done that. There is so much more to see in this world! This Germany thing was supposed to be out of my system by now. Sometimes I think I've been able to shake it, but at the same time I still dream about going back. Every day.

I dream of strolling die Strasse and eating ein Wurst. I dream of speaking Deutsch fluently. I dream of dangling my feet on the banks of the Danube. I dream of lazy afternoons in cafes and beautiful cathedrals.

Ich liebe Deutschland. Entschuldigung, aber ich liebe Die.

Is there anywhere that tugs on your heart so strongly that you can't remove it? Am I just crazy or are there places that are more home to you than you think they can possibly be?

You know, I can still see my first full day there. I can see the Danube River from the first sight of it. I can feel the astonishment that I was there. I feel the exhaustion of wandering through Vienna, and I still awe at the gilded churches. I roam the Getreidegasse in my head and can still taste the Sachertorte. I still cry when I think of Bayreuth, and I can taste the Bier from the Hofbrauhaus.

It's all still so real. But I've been there. I've done that. Why go back?

No reason, except that it's still a dream. I guess that may be reason enough.

Sitting and Staring...

2009-01-17T19:49:00.004-07:00

I did pretty much nothing today.

Last night, after having dinner and seeing "Seven Pounds" with Karissa, I got home checked a few things on my computer, did a Sudoku and went to bed.

This morning, I awoke very, very late (for me) at a bright 9:45. I then, bleary-eyed and wondering if I should just go back to sleep, stumbled out into my living room. I opened my computer, stared at it for a few minutes (without hitting any buttons) and then proceeded to close my computer. Sometimes I just can't be bothered with technology.

I decided to stay awake since I didn't want to "waste my day away" by sleeping. I brushed my teeth, stepped over the piles of laundry I folded yesterday (but of course didn't put away), and sat on my couch. I stared around my living room, thinking "I should pick this place up a bit".

I continued to sit and stare.

I then put on a movie, grabbed my computer, thinking I can Photoshop while watching the movie. Yeah, I got through one photo. One. I enjoyed the movie and immensely enjoyed my Blue Garden. And if you don't know what Blue Garden is, then you don't know immense joy, and I am sorry for you : )

After the movie, I sat some more.

Finally I decided to put my laundry away, do the dishes, cleaned up my Christmas presents and then brought out all my art supplies.

I stared at them for a bit.

I cut up some paper. I glued some paper. I wrote a short note. I looked at my ribbon and tried to figure out how I could use it. I looked at more paper.

Sometimes I just want to stare at my papers and ribbons.

Finally I decided I needed to leave my apartment. I walked to the local used book shop, which I will not even start talking about. Just remind me to write about used bookstores sometime. I walked a little bit more around my neighborhood and then got back home.

That was two hours ago. I don't even really know what I've done since then.

More sitting and staring...

I love days like this.

An Intro to Something Fun and a Continuation on Something Beautiful

2009-01-16T08:44:00.008-07:00

A week ago, a friend from work lent me his Lensbaby.

OH! The lensbaby!

Now that I have played with it my life will never be the same. Expect more posts on lensbaby soon.

.... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... ....

In other thoughts, I have been trying to figure out what to write about beauty. Well, that's not entirely true. I know what I want to write, I just don't know how to write it.

Beauty is a trait so dear to my heart that I feel like I could talk and write forever on it, and still never have finished. How do I write concisely?

God is teaching me more and more about this ever dazzling feature. He weeps with me over the sublimely beautiful. We laugh together over the sillinesses of beauty. He allows me to mull over His beauty. We fight over my beauty. He stands in awe with me when I am stopped dead over something beautiful. He opens my eyes to new beauty. We create beauty together. And He swells with joy on those brief moments when I actually understand beauty.

I try to see it everywhere. I try to see Him everywhere. And I fail a dozen times for every few times I succeed... I still can't look at pigeons without being disgusted. The Greenpeace people drive me absolutely insane. Customers who are rude and disrespectful boil my blood. But there is something awe inspiring when a whole flock of pigeons take flight. And the Greenpeace are still people trying to help a cause they think is important. And maybe those customers are having one of the worst days of their life.

Of course, these kinder, gentler thoughts don't come to me at the time, but long after the fact. Still, I am trying to see the pigeons as God created them, the Greenpeace workers through God's eyes, and the customers with His heart.

One day I'll get there : )

I've enjoyed hearing your comments on what you think is beautiful. Continue to let me know via any way you like...

Wait and Hope

2009-01-10T20:33:00.002-07:00

It's almost ten o'clock in the morning on Thursday. I don't have to be to work for another hour and although I had a few plans for the morning, like working out, photoshopping, and making myself a decent breakfast, I still feel like it has been a great morning.

I awoke and finished what is undoubtedly one of my top three favorite books of all time, The Count of Monte Cristo. I read it probably five years ago and was enraptured with the tale. Since then I have thought only splendid things about it. For the past few months I've had a hankering for some fantastic adventure when reading, so I decided to re-read The Count.

Perhaps it is because of the adventure and the different personas Edmund Dantes creates for himself. (my friend, Andy, put it brilliantly in saying that Edmund Dantes is like a 19th Century, French Bruce Wayne) Or maybe it is the vengeance being played out oh so dramatically. And still it could be the beautiful writing of Alexandre Dumas. I'm sure it is all these reasons and more why I love this book.

But the most important reason I love it is how he, Edmund, relates to God. It's not how I relate to God. I could never bring vengeance down upon those who have wronged me. (Although, I also have not had every happiness snatched away from me and been imprisoned for numerous years. Even so...) But the fact that Edmund calls upon his Father... It's beautiful to see in such a tale.

As I was reading it this time, I knew that God was a character of this book, but I was having trouble seeing Him. It wasn't how I remembered it the first time. I realize that the God of 19th century France is and is not the same God of 21st century America, and I tried to see past the way I view God and into a time back then. But I still had trouble.

That is until this morning. The last pages are filled with such beauty and such hope and such utter esteem for Him, that I could not help but be filled with wonder. I don't want to ruin it if you ever decide to read it, and I hope I haven't said too much already, but I will leave you with this...

"Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that, until the day God deigns to reveal the future to man, the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and hope."

I can't tell you what this says to my heart. I feel as if this has been whispered into my heart from the beginning of time and only now been given the words. "Wait and hope, Gretchen," He says to me. "There is so much more out there, and you have not even seen a tenth of all that I will reveal to you... Wait and hope."

That is my prayer for today. For me and for you.

You don't really need to read this

2009-01-06T20:56:00.006-07:00

It's January 6th. My Christmas tree still stands in my living room because I have not had time to take it down. Well, I have had time, but I need a certain amount of "down time" before I start the "cleaning up time".

The past two weeks have been crazy! Delightful and crazy all at the same time. Kate and Chris were in from England, Krista and Jeff were in from Pennsylvania, Bekah and Dan from Minnesota, Pierce and Meagan from California, Adriana from Chicago, and that's just a sampling of who's been around. If it's possible for me to go on friendship overload, I have. The past two weeks have been filled with wonderful visits and crazy driving conditions and freezing walks down 16th Street and a little bit of chaos.

I love visiting with people. I, of course, would give up all my free time to spend time with my friends. But for my life to run properly I need a little bit of down time, and there really hasn't been much downtime. Hence why I still have my Christmas tree decorated, my Bayreuth Advent calendar hanging, my presents under the tree, and my mini Christmas tree next to my bed. Oh! And let's not forget about the Santa hanging on my bedroom door!

I'm an introvert by nature. If you are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs test, I am an INFJ. I'm pretty strong in each of the categories, but especially in the "I", standing for introvert. I may not come across as an introvert, but my goodness! I start to go a little cuckoo if I haven't had my alone time. Again: Hence why my Christmas tree is still decorated.

Introverts aren't necessarily shy people. I certainly am not shy anymore. But a big part of it comes from where you draw you're energy. Are you drained by people or energized by people? Me, I get drained by people. I love being around them, but I need a good amount of quality alone time before I'm ready to hang out again. So the past two weeks, while being a great amount of fun, have wiped me clean!

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining... I'm really am not. I'm just writing. About nothing, I realize. Why do you all care about my inner workings, anyway? I just wanted to explain why my Christmas tree was still up. And why it will probably still be up until at least this weekend. I have no plans of taking it down over the next few days.

Just and fyi.

ps... If you haven't yet read the last blog, please do and let me know what you think!

Something to Ponder

2009-01-04T21:55:00.006-07:00

Well, it is officially 2009. What happened?!?!?!?

Ten years ago, I was getting ready for my last semester of high school. I had played Queen Elizabeth less than a month ago and was gearing up for college auditions and a trip to Bulgaria. I was 18 and high on life. I wanted to move on and stay exactly where I was at the same time. I thought I would never find better friends than the ones I had (and I haven't, but friends just as wonderful). I was realizing more and more that my brother was not an annoying little brother, but a wonderful friend. I was singing like crazy. The world was mine to live in, and I was ready to take hold. And yes, I still wanted to be that little girl who made mud pies in the field behind our house.

1999 rushed in so many expectations and uncertainties.

2009, I am sure, will be be no different. But also so impossibly different.

I figured out a long time ago that I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I fail every time. If I were to make them this year though this is what they would be (in no particular order):
- Work out on a schedule.
- Give up Mountain Dew. Again. For the 47th time.
- Read God's word more often.
- Write in this blog more often.
- Eat fewer sweets.
- Write more letters.
- Love people better.
- Paint more.
- Work harder.
Can you tell why I don't keep my resolutions? I want to do it all!

But 2009 has started me out thinking, and not about resolutions. I've had a bunch of thoughts going through my head for a long time and I'm not really sure I can voice them quite yet. But I want to start.

Where do you see beauty, if at all? Is it in a flower? You're husband or wife or child? Do you see it in a strangers smile? Or a country road? Is in a painting at the art museum? Or the chords of the opening guitar at a rock concert? Or is it all of it?

Where is beauty around us? Ponder that for a day or two and let me know what you think is beautiful. I'll be back with my answers...

Oh! And Happy 2009!!!!!!!

What I've been up to...

2008-12-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

Hello! Hello! Hello!

I haven't died, I've just been a bit preoccupied. I'm not going to write much tonight, just a quick hello. But I wanted to start writing again. And I really didn't want to be yelled at again by any certain someones. Ahem. Andy.

It's been a long time, and soooooo much has happened in the past month. I have a new job that I love. I'm learning so much about photography and art and the software that combines the two. I'm humbled daily by how much I still have to learn, and sort of feel that I will never be ready to actually make money at this whole photography thing. But I have already. I did two family shoots and had a great time with them, and got paid!

Remember this babe?

Master Finley is now a whopping five and a half months old, is an utter delight, and yet still has his little stubborn streak!

And I think that after being so good for 25 minutes he was allowed a little cry! Isn't that just way too precious?!?!?!?

I also just photographed this family last week.

Little Cohen is only two weeks younger than Finley. He's a smiley little babe almost every other time I've seen him. But the big black camera was not something he wanted to deal with. I didn't get one smile out of him for the entire time my camera was out, but there are some pretty cute ones of an apprehensive baby!

So yeah, that's pretty much been my life over the past month. New job (I'll explain the reasons for leaving bartending at another time... Or do I even have to explain that?), learning more and more about photography, trying to keep up on the bills, and really trying to continually seek Him. I'm terrible at that, but He still commands grace and love in my life. How can I say no?

More on that another time soon as well.

I hope you all are well. Comment or e-mail me and let me know what's going on in your lives. I'd really love to hear! OH!!!!! And happy Christmas season!

Much love, G

Country Roads

2008-11-09T02:19:00.005-07:00

Well, it's currently 2:21 AM on Sunday. I went to bed over three hours ago and somewhere around midnight an AWFUL noise started up in my apartment. It was coming from my bathroom and I had absolutely no clue what to do with it. I got up, turned on the hot water in my sink, and turned it off. I turned on the cold water, and turned it off. I made sure the shower wasn't running for some unbeknownst reason. I was pretty sleepy at that point so I got back in bed and put a pillow over my head. That did nothing at all to block the noise, but I somehow managed to fall back asleep.

Then somewhere around an hour ago, I awoke again. This time I got up and stood in my bathroom. I was still groggy, but more really, really mad. WHAT IS MAKING THIS NOISE?!?!?!?!?! I looked at the toilet. I got real close to it. I took the lid off the back. AH HA! I messed around with the toilet for a bit, but the noise didn't lessen. But I was now fully awake and I dug around for some earplugs.

Thank God for earplugs. Anyone who has ever stayed in a hostel or had a toilet making some random, really, really loud noise knows how beautiful a thing ear plugs are. So now I lay in bed in almost perfect silence, wanting to sleep. But I have had this blog on my mind for about a week now and really wanted to write it out. So I am staying awake to write for a bit.

A few weeks ago I had to go to Kansas City for my Granny's funeral. Not a pleasant reason to go to a place I love so much, but even so, it was great to be able to go. Due to problems with work, I was able to leave a bit early and spend a day with my dad. So Glenna (my car) and I hit the road one beautifully cold and windy fall Wednesday. I of course had to take my camera along. How often do I get to traverse the state of Kansas?

After this trip, I do think I need to do it a bit more often. Whoever says Kansas isn't beautiful needs to slap themselves in the face and then take a drive on I-70. It's stunning!

I was fortunate enough to have a couple thousand beautiful clouds to admire on the drive through Colorado and Kansas. And yes, I did take these while driving. And no, there were no other cars around.

My dad and I share a love of random country drives and getting out of the city. Whenever he comes to Denver, we hop in the car and leave Denver. Last time he was here we made a HUGE all day circle through the state. It was beautiful! It should be no surprise then, that when I got to see him, we took a drive. We took the Blue Highway to a little park that he loves to visit in Higginsville, MO.

The road became impassable due to high water, but we found another route that secured us this lovely vision:

How dreamy would it be to live there? POSITIVELY, if you ask me!!!!

And after driving past thousands of rows of corn the day before I had to ask Dad to stop and let me take a few pictures...

This one was my favorite. The perfect positioning of the sun with the stunning clouds and the gold, gold corn all mixed together for Yay!

When we got to the park I couldn't believe how perfect of a fall day it was! Yeah, it was quite cold, but still. The colors were wonderful!

And yes, I did "deaden" this one a bit in Photshop, but I LOVE it. There is something eerily beautiful about it to me. It's my background right now on my computer...

Lastly, the park also was home to a Confederate Cemetery and a very, very quaint chapel:

It was such a peaceful place filled with tombstones of men and women who served in the Civil War. I had no clue that such cemeteries even existed, and it certainly was not glorifying the Confederacy at all. But it was interesting?, lovely?, nice?, good?, eye-opening?, peaceful? to stroll through, looking at the different tombstones, and wonder what their lives would have been like. Some of the "men" who served in the Confederacy were merely boys: 15 years old. Can you imagine? Neither can I.

Well, it is now a little past three and I am dosing off as I write this. I bid you adieu for the evening!

My realization of the day... I'm going out on a limb sharing this.

2008-10-30T18:55:00.004-06:00

Well, the first few days back to work have been fine. All my regulars have come in and I am getting back into the normal routine. Well, "normal". I can't say life will ever be normal. I just don't want that.

I've been thinking of a bunch of different things these past two weeks. And I am seriously starting to pray about what comes next. The whole incident behind the bar was a good kick in the pants and I realized that I am starting to get desperate to get out of there. But where to go?

I have some great friends who are so inspiring and have talked with me for hours about art and photography and computers. I've got a pretty good grip on two of those things, but the software part of it all has me a bit bewildered. I know I could learn it, but man alive, this stuff costs money! And I've thought about going back to school and just taking a few courses, but man alive, I DON'T WANT ANYMORE STUDENT LOANS! I'm already terrified of those little demons, I don't want to deal with anymore of them.

I want to do something with my life. I see myself almost stuck here, and I don't want to be stuck. How do I get out of this business? How do I trust that God will get me out of there? How do I trust that God will provide for all of me?

Prayer. That's the answer. I know that's the answer. I just don't really believe that any of it is possible. I just had a realization: I think in the back of my head somewhere I have been waiting for Mr. Right to come along and have a good job so he can provide the basic needs and I can work on what I really love. Of course I would still work, but the pressure would be off. I could focus on really learning photography, instead of just getting by.

Oh dear. That seriously just came to the forefront of my mind. How sick is that? I know I am irrational a lot of the time, and I know that I would never expect a husband to provide for me. And I know that I will want to work as long as possible to help with life. But to wait to start life? To wait for a high-rollin' Mr. Right? I'm so sure, Gretchen.

What is wrong with us ladies sometimes? Don't answer that guys.

I feel awful about saying all that "out loud", but y'all already know that I am a bit _(adjective)_.

The lesson of this year, which I can't seem to get through to my head, nor my heart, is "DON'T WAIT FOR "HIM" TO START LIVING YOUR LIFE!" Over and over again I realize that I am waiting for marriage to start living. No! My life is now! Remind me of this people! Jesus continually says to me "He will come, but I am here." Ugh! Do we ever learn?

I'm ridiculous. I'm silly. I am irrational. I'm emotional. I'm thoughtless. I'm ditzy.

I'm a girl.

But I'm also hopeful, real, joyful, relaxed, deep feeling, and totally crazy.

I love being a girl.

Thoughts on a Tuesday

2008-10-28T20:24:00.003-06:00

Well, if you read the last two posts then you know that last week was... Interesting. It is now more than a week later and life is starting to look normal.

I still have a job downtown, thankfully! I know that I don't want to bartend for the rest of my life and after all that happened, I wondered if this was the kick out the door that I "needed", but I have to say that I am thankful to know that November's rent and bills will get paid. I was told that the reason I still have a job is due to my honesty. The truth is really what I could have gotten fired over. And as I was sitting there writing my formal statement, I thought "Just be honest, Gretchen. Just be honest." It's hard to do that when you know that the truth is something you did wrong. But my managers appreciated that, and therefore let me keep my job.

Hmmm... You always hear it said that honesty is the best policy, but really seeing it come to play out like that is sort of rewarding. My faith calls me to tell the truth to a fault, and I do try, but the truth is hard. Very hard sometimes. But thankfully it prevails.

Thank you to all of you who thought of me or prayed for me with this. I really felt well loved throughout this past week. I have an amazing family network. And I'm not just saying relatives. Just people who love me constantly. You all are wonderful!

So the struggle is over, but in many ways, it's just beginning. Throughout the drive to Kansas City (and back) I thought of many things. I sometimes drove for hours with no sound, just thinking and praying. How people can call Kansas boring is beyond me. There is so much beauty out there that leaves me feeling contented and rested. And there is so much time to ponder life. Some questions I asked:

Can I use my camera to make money?
What do You want from me?
How do I do this life?
Where is my cowboy? (I asked this one while on a deserted dirt road staring at cows)
What more do I need to learn?
Do I take this exit or the next one?
How do I love?
...

I feel so blessed. So blessed. Every day I am awed in some way by how lucky I am. And yet I am constantly wanting that next thing. Constantly wanting more. Constantly waiting for the next bend in the road. I sometimes think this is how it's supposed to be. I look toward heaven and I yearn for Jesus. Until then I think there is no finale. Marriage isn't the finale (a shocking (for me) realization I had earlier this year). Children aren't the finale. A photography job isn't the finale. Winning the lottery wouldn't be the finale. While all these dreams are good and real, I would still be left wanting something more.

The finale doesn't come until I get to stand face to face with Jesus. And oh what a glorious finale that will be! Hmmm... I think I'll end it there for tonight. Much love, dear friends!

Freedom Despite Myself.

2008-10-20T12:52:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting at my coffee shop next door to my place doodling on my computer. Wasting time. Waiting.

I'm supposed to be working right now, but due to a major mistake on my part, I was asked not to come in for this shift. So instead I am sitting and waiting. In about another 20 minutes I am going to walk to work and sit down with two of my managers and the HR person. We are going to talk about what happened and what comes next. I seriously doubt I'll be fired, but even so...

In elementary school I got to go to the principals office twice. Once for taking a dare and getting out of my seat when the teacher left the room. And once for a small little scuttle with another girl. Neither time did I like this. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like people to be disappointed in me. I don't like to get in trouble.

In fact I hate it. Every time I do get in trouble, though, I can always point to exactly the place where I made the wrong decision. That place where I turned off course. It's a hard place to look at, but I think it brings a bit of freedom.

I have long since given up on being perfect. My faith has showed me what true Perfection looks like. I have no hope of getting there. And while I would love to strive to be perfect, I know that I will make mistakes. Big mistakes... In school, in work, in relationships (of all kinds), in life...
Big mistakes. It's slightly shameful realizing I'm not the golden child that I want to be. But also slightly freeing.

Jesus, while wanting so much more for me than these bad decisions I make, still has soooooo much grace for my foibles. I have changed so much since high school due to Him. I have changed so much since college due to Him. I have changed so much in the past year due to Him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of smart decisions. I don't think I am really. It's Him in me that helps me choose better things.

Over the past 24 hours I have looked inside of me and realized that while I am not at all who I once was and a lot of myself isn't who I want to be, there are still traces and chunks of the real Gretchen. He still shines through, and still yearns to keep on creating me. He gives me a freedom to know that no matter what I do, I am still loved.

I think I have a hard trek ahead of me, but I also think that it will be a good trek. I need to remember who I am in Him. It'll be glorious.

Numbness.

2008-10-19T21:43:00.003-06:00

It's October 19th and we are a little more than half way done with the month. What a month it has been...

I don't really even know where to start...

I'll just say this: the past 36 hours have been a little rough.

It's not the time or place to disclose certain details, but I will tell you the basics: I lost my Granny, I was completely un-Gretchen-like to another person, and I might have seriously jeopardized my job. My emotions tend to swing fairly regularly up and down. Not in an unhealthy way, but in a deep feeling sort of way. But in the past 36 hours I've experienced loss and heartache and numbness and frenzy and confusion and numbness and alrightness (which is just going to have to be a word) and embarrassment and shame and misunderstanding and numbness.

Are you catching the theme? I'm feeling a little numb. I don't know what or how I'm feeling. I've sort of just shut down and am not paying attention to anything. It seems like the last 36 hours have been a bit of a hole. Friday night everything was great.

Saturday morning I awoke and became numb.

And you want to know the odd thing about being numb? You keep going. You take your breaths automatically. You walk to work automatically. You smile automatically. You talk to friends automatically. You relay details automatically. You can somehow even convey some sort of emotion automatically. You do what you do to get by.

It's like I'm a robot, but I don't know how to not be a robot right now. I'm just confused.

Tomorrow I go in to see if I still have a job. Wednesday I drive to Kansas City for Granny's funeral. And to that person I was horrible to, well, I don't know how I'll ever say I'm sorry.

How do you get back to the time when you were younger? Jesus blessed the children for their innocence. There was once a point where I wondered if I would ever not be a child. How I would love to be blessed for my innocence again.

And so I write tonight. Some of that seems to convey emotion, but I can guarantee you, I am still numb. I think I'm pretty okay with that, though. I'll feel soon enough. And I won't feel proud of how grand a person I am or how wonderful a granddaughter I was. But at least I'll feel.

Be well, my friends, and pray if you will.

Beer anyone?

2008-10-10T11:06:00.005-06:00

It's Friday morning and I am sitting in my living room trying to convince myself to get up and do something with my hair. I just got home from an early morning meeting at work and I have to return in another two hours. Joy oh joy! None of this would really have been that big of a problem, except that I worked foralmost 14 hours yesterday. I haven't pulled one of those days in quite a while. I used to be able to bounce back and do it all over again the next day, but lately my 28-years-young body doesn't really like the fact that I was running a whole bunch yesterday, slept very little, and need to run a bit more today. So I'm just going to sit and write here for a minute before I get ready for work.

The Great American Beer Festival is going on right now at the Convention Center. For many people all over the country (and even a few around the world) this is a type of Mecca. For three days every October 400 breweries from around the US gather in Denver and present upwards of 1800 different types of beer. For a $50 ticket, you can wander around with your little 2oz stein and try as many types of beers as you possibly can. The event only lasts about three and a half hours each night, and most people are so excited about the thought of the all-the-beer-you-can-drink that it is extremely common to see many people stumbling on to the next bar once the GABF lets out. No, it was not intended to be a drunk fest, but that's America for you. Well, really, that's alcohol for you.

The brilliant part of the Fest is that many breweries bring their limited release or specialty beers in hopes of winning one of the medals for their beer. So you get to taste these really great beers that a lot of times will never see your part of the country. While I am not going to the Festival this year (I took this little trip that sort of sucked the money out of my bank account!), I have had some great opportunities to taste some of these limited releases.

But I should back up... I work in a sports bar. Most sports bars would probably be content to serve Bud, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, and Miller Light. Here in Colorado, you have to throw Fat Tire into that mix. And just to spread the love, Sam Adams is probably a good choice. That's a pretty basic, and yet thorough, selection. The great thing about my bar is that I have a general manager that loves beer. And I don't mean loves, I mean LOVES beer. Justin has worked really hard to bring in a ton of local craft beers. Colorado is well known in the beer world for all of its microbreweries and my GM is taking full advantage of all the great beers around.

When I started at my bar, over two years ago, I could barely finish a Coors Light bottle. I was not a beer girl at all, but I wanted to be a beer girl. It's easier, and cheaper. So I started drinking Heineken, and found a richer beer that I actually really liked. Then Justin got Sunshine Wheat on draft at my bar. More intriguing. I really started to like this beer thing. When I would go out to dinner with friends I would order different types of beer. Some were "terrible" and some were great. My friend and former roommate, Justin, also loves beer so he started introducing me to other beers. But the darker beers still evaded me. No thank you.

And then we got 1554. OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! From the very first chocolaty, malty sip I knew there would never in my life be any drink better than 1554. It's an autumny, wintery beer, so I am very excited to start drinking it again (Since it is finally cool and crisp!). This all was about a year ago. Maybe a little more. I knew I was a beer girl by this point. Coors Light was, and still is, an easy beer to drink, but really I liked the flavors of all these new beers.

This was when Justin really started pushing to get some great beers into our bar. We devoted 17 of our 28 draft handles to local microbreweries. And then my taste buds were introduced to new worlds. At first I resisted. The Pilsners were too much for me, the Pale Ales were too full bodied, and the IPAs made me want to gag. But the differences were intriguing. When Justin had free time he would come up to the bar and if I was slow in the morning he would give me little beer classes. He would pour me a 5 Barrel Pale Ale and a Dale's Pale Ale and have me smell them. What to you smell? Take a big sip. What's at the front? When it first enters your mouth, what do you taste? How about as it's going down? What's there? What's the aftertaste? How do you compare the two of them? He did this over and over again with different beers. And Jerry, one of my other beer loving managers would also come and teach me.

Some of them I didn't like at all. Hazed and Infused, for example. Only in the last few months have I come to appreciate the absolute brilliance of this beer. And some, like the Titan IPA, I still have not gotten the handle of. I can appreciate them, but cannot enjoy them. I've come a long way from the Coors Light drinker, and maybe I'm becoming a bit of a beer snob, but I'm still leagues away from that true distinction. I just like good beer.

I wanted to share all this because it's been a HUGE part of my week. Justin in all his brilliance has brought in single kegs of very specialty beers from around the country that are being featured at the GABF and we are featuring them for a very limited 24-hour period. Tuesday we had the Avery Brewing Company out of Boulder. Wednesday we had the Lefthand Brewing Company out of Longmont. Yesterday we had Victory Brewing Company out of Downington, PA. Today, we get... Actually I don't remember. But it's going to be good. I have tried beers this week that have positively stunned me. The Twinsisters Imperial IPA from Lefthand was INCREDIBLE. They also brought a spicy, yet surprisingly mellow, black rye lager. Victory brought a Golden Monkey that was delicious, and Abbey 6, which was so relaxed I felt I could have drank ten of them. Minus the 9.6% alcohol content : )

So even though I don't get to go to the GABF, I still have gotten to taste some wonderful beers this week. If your ever in Downtown, stop by and I'll introduce you to some of my new favorites. I love talking beer with people and helping them find one they will really like. But for now, I need to go and do something with this mop of mine. Be well my friends!

Random thoughts for the day.

2008-10-07T21:17:00.002-06:00

Let's talk in bullet points today. Yeah? Okay.

I made chicken and dumplings today. When I say made, I mean "made". The chicken soup was delicious. No doubt about it. I think it was the bay leaf I added. Not really, but I like to think that since I added a bay leaf to my chicken soup, I might really know something about cooking. Yes, the soup was good. The dumplings on the soup, however, they just aren't how I remember my granny's dumplings. Need to work on that one.
I walked to Independent Records today. I bought five movies for $30 dollars, including "Sex and the City". I have now decided that I, too, love Independent Records
Has anyone else here in Colorado noticed that we are missing out on the best season? Autumn, I mean. All around the country people are waking up to crisp mornings and enjoying their steaming coffee. Heck, there are probably even people pulling out their sweaters. But us? It's freakin' 70-something degrees here. I wore a sweatshirt all day today, trying to spite the weather, but when I walked to King Soopers this afternoon, I got hot! IT'S OCTOBER!!!! Aren't we allowed to wear our Fall clothes yet? I don't want to wear my summer clothes anymore! Come on cool weather!
I painted today. Nothing fancy at all, but it was different for me. And oh so liberating! Today I painted without rules. I made about fifty errors, but I just kept on going. And going. And going. It's only an 8x10 canvas, and it still needs more, but it was fun to screw up and see where I could go with it. I love where it's at right now, though. It's so not what I would ever do. I would be one of those paint-by-number-girls if I could. This is so not paint by numbers. It's really paint-by-crap, but it's mine. And I like it.
I love my girlfriends. There was a time when I thought that girls were stupid and senseless, and I thought my best friends would always be guys. Boys, I was wrong! I mean, "Boy, was I wrong!" : )
I watched two of my movies I bought today. And I'd like to say that while "Sex and the City" talks alot about sex, what I love about it is the relationships of the girls. They have amazing friendships, and I love to see that. Girlfriends are amazing. Amazing.
There was one more point I wanted to make....
...
...
...
...
Still thinking...
...
...
...
...
OH! I smelled Fall today. Despite not being able to feel Fall at all, I still smelled it. As I was walking home from King Soopers, at this point very hot, I stepped on some of the fallen leaves on the sidewalk and the scent quickly made its way to my nose. Do you remember raking the leaves into a pile as a kid? And running and throwing yourself into them? Do you remember sitting there in that pile, staring at the blue, blue sky and the scents of red, yellow, gold, amber, and brown filling your nose? It's sort of this deep, earthy, Fall scent. I caught only a whiff, but I was transferred back to 631 Hialeah Drive for a moment. Henry and I raking the leaves in the front yard and Brian and Eileen coming over and all of us taking turns running into the piles, only to rake them back up when we made too much of a mess. Oh, how delightful that one little whiff was!

That's pretty much my day. Have a good night, my friends. Much love from here, Autumn-less Colorado : )

My foray into dating while completely sick.

2008-10-03T18:48:00.005-06:00

So I have sat down to write a new blog numerous times. I have pulled Blogger up, I have clicked the "New Post" button, and I have stared blankly at the screen for what seems like hours. I really have not known what to write. This past week or two have not been the silly carefree Gretchen that I am used to, so I can't write about how much I hate pigeons or how I feel about my Fantasy Football team's performance last week. But these past weeks also haven't been the really seriously in depth Gretchen that I know, either. So I couldn't write about what turmoil is going on in my heart or how wonderful and amazing God is.

None of it was there. I've just been living. And I don't do well at just living. I want to laugh and be light, or think and ponder and reflect. I want to cry with a friend over all that is going wrong and rejoice with her when it does turn around. I want to scream out loud at a Buffs game and high five the others around me, or weep over a beautiful sunset that I get to witness. I want to live. But the past few weeks have been a bit blah. Maybe it's because real life can't compare to Germany. Or maybe I'm made for something more. Maybe we are all made for something more.

So that's why I haven't written in quite a while. But today, you get to hear a story of both laughter and stupidity and depth and wrestling.

I have been sick for the past few days but today it really took off. We're talking full on head poundage and nose problems galore. Not to mention the coughing, which if you have ever lived with me, you know it's hell for both of us. So of course I got to go to work today, being my Monday and all. Now, maybe it's not the best of things that I was working in a restaurant while sick, but I can tell you that I have NEVER washed my hands more than I did today. Over and over and over and over again. And as for the breathing thing, well, I tried to be considerate and not breathe into people's beers as I was pouring them. It's just a fact that people in restaurants get sick like everyone else and we sometimes don't have enough people to cover, so we work sick. Joy of joys!

That's the first bullet point. Number two is that I get to be a little crazed when I am sick. My brain doesn't work properly a lot of the time: I make odd comments, don't get certain jokes, laugh at totally inappropriate times, and in general make a pretty good fool of myself. Add me being sick and cranky (and wanting to be whiney) to my brain, and we get an interesting mix. Like today's happening.

Do you all remember The Bomb? Go back and read it if you like. "Brett" has continued to come in and we have continued to build our friendship, and despite his one slip up that time, he has never been anything but gentlemanly. Of course I like him! And he has this great smile that makes my day brighter and he asks great questions and he gives interesting answers. And I almost know that it wouldn't work out between us (the whole Jesus thing hasn't been broached yet), but I still want to go out with him. I still just want to know for sure, so I can put this behind me.

I have resisted saying anything to him. I have pondered why he has not asked me out for more than four months. I have smiled huge and he has smiled huge and we have these great conversations every week, and he has to know I like him. But for four months I have resisted saying anything. Partly because I really want a guy to ask me out. I'm not really used to it. I don't know what I'd do if a guy said "Hey Gretchen, can I take you out sometime?"

I'd probably ask him to marry me.

So I have been waiting for "Brett" to say something. Even today, on my normal walk to work, I just felt like Jesus was saying, "Gretchen, don't do it. Just wait. Please wait." I want something spectacular, and I'm 99% sure "Brett" isn't spectacular, but he's here.

He came in for lunch and we had maybe the best conversation ever. We talked more about work and life and friends and our weekends and we smiled some more and I thought "Surely today he will ask me out. Surely."

As he stood, readying himself to leave, I just sort of stood there, saying something along the lines of "Have a great weekend, can't wait to see you next week, I think you're wonderful..." Not really, but that's what my aforementioned sick brain wanted me to say. And as we faced each other in an awkward, five-second silence I realized that he was indeed not going to ask me out. I said a final goodbye and turned around.

And this is where I am going to blame my sick brain instead of my real brain. Despite everything saying "No! Don't do it! Stop!", I turned around and said the following:

GG: "Actually, 'Brett Michaels' (I often times use his last name when talking to him, I don't know why, but I do.), I do have a question for you."
BM: "Yeah?"
GG: "Do you have a girlfriend?" (Somebody slap me!)
BM: A little quietly, but still honorably, "Actually I am sort of seeing someone."

UMMMM....... REALLY WASN'T EXPECTING THAT ONE!!!!!!

GG: "Oh! Okay! (Somebody knock me out for what follows!) Well, if it doesn't work out with her, you should ask me out sometime."

AHHHHHHHHHHH! DID I REALLY JUST SAY THAT?!?!?!?!?!?

BM: No clue what he said here, I was mortified by the aforesaid.
GG: "I hope this doesn't mean that I might have scared you off and you won't be in again..." I think I kept on going for a moment or two, but I also blocked that memory.
BM: Laughs, "I'll see you next week."

Somebody just buy a gun and shoot me. Please. I knew, knew, I shouldn't say anything. And I am trying to blame it on my poor sick brain and not really know what I was doing, and maybe there is a part of it that coincides with that, but really, I knew I shouldn't say anything.

I started really following Jesus more than nine years ago, and while it hasn't been easy, it's been way worth it. The hardest struggle He and I have is over "him". My future husband. I want something spectacular and beyond the American Dream. And Jesus wants that for me too. But I want it now. For the past nine years, it's been about now. And Jesus is still pleading with me to wait. I've grabbed at guys in the past. I've gone outside of the bounds. It has never worked. I knew that "Brett" would be another grab. I reached anyway.

It's been more than nine years and I still can't learn. Sigh... Maybe he will still ask me out. Maybe there really is something that could work. Maybe I am the eternal optimist, well, not maybe on that one. I'm the eternal optimist.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can learn to be patient a little longer and laugh with Jesus over this one. I know that it bothers me right now, but really, I think that Jesus wants bigger things for me and is chuckling at my attempt to grab the Happy Meal toys. I'll laugh about it too. I'm crazy. I'm a 28-year-old girl trying to live the most like Jesus I can in a world that doesn't understand me. I'm failing 99% of the time, and I'm still continuing on this path. I must be crazy. But really, I wouldn't change it. Except for the being sick... I would love to change this!

Where do we go from here?

2008-09-25T18:16:00.005-06:00

So I'm at a little bit of a loss...

I am a random person. I know that. Anyone who has had more than a five minute conversation with me knows that. I think random thoughts, say random things, and sometime even do random deeds. Like lie down in the middle of Baseline in Boulder. I am not always smart...

But this blog is becoming too random for my tastes. Granted the whole Germany trip was fairly not so random, but in reality, I have hesitated in posting recently because I don't really know what to post about.

My daily life? Yeah, but what parts? I need direction.

My faith? Yeah, but what parts? I need direction.

My random thoughts? Sure, but I definitely need direction.

I don't mind my brain running in twenty different directions, as long as there is some cohesiveness to it all. At least in this arena. The blogging arena, I mean.

Let's take today for example...

I awoke, went next door and got a latte, wrote in my journal for a bit, and walked to work. I worked for about 7 hours, got off, went and had a beer and taquitos with a friend, walked home and now I sit. So what part of the day to I talk about?

My journaling... I asked God to make me okay with whatever decision He wanted in regards to a certain guy I like. Said guy always comes in on Thursdays and he didn't come in today. Pretty clear decision and I think I'm okay.

The walk to work was delightful as always, minus the damn pigeons. I hate pigeons... They are below rats on the disgust-o-meter.

Work was slow, but fine. I got to catch up with a couple of my favorite regulars that I haven't seen since before I left and that was a joy. And everyone that I worked with seemed to be in a good mood, which always makes for a good day!

"Linner" (the meal in between lunch and dinner) with Sayraw was wonderful. We sat at Illegal Pete's drinking out Coors Lights and eating out deliciousness and had one of the greatest conversations I've had in awhile. There are people I work with that go beyond the party-scene conversation. Sorry, but I just don't do the "Yeah man, last night I got totally wasted and today I feel like total crap, but you know, I can't wait to do it again tonight!" Yeah, not so much me. I want to know what makes you tick. Thanks Sayraw for being real!

And the walk home, well it was a walk home. But I do think that I need to see a doctor about my knee... I'm afraid it's a bit more than just a little screwed up. I HAVE NEW SKI BOOTS THAT I WANT TO USE!!!! My knee can't be screwed up!!!! I'm afraid it might be though.

So do any of you see my problem? I'm not one to talk frivolously about any ol' topic, and I'm afraid that this has become a frivolous place. Wait... I love frivolity. But do you get what I am saying. How do I write with depth and expression and still have a good time here. On any one of the aforementioned topics I could expand for an entire blog... How do I pick just one and make this blog a place of truth and beauty, and ultimately "Gretchen"?

Hmmm... That's what I wonder tonight.

My Life and Kids

2008-09-24T08:54:00.003-06:00

It is Wednesday morning and I am laying in bed trying to figure out what to do today... I have to work at three, so my time is rather limited. Six hours is never enough : )

It seems like baby fever just keeps on going. I haven't heard of any new little ones being conceived, but in the next month there are about four that a due. I do love me some babies! A quick revisiting of the past five days activities:

Friday night: I watched Finley Nathan as Mom and Dad went out for a date. Utterly delightful for me.
Saturday: I worked, but flirted with the cute two year old, Michael, for a good hour. Blond curls... They'll get me every time.
Sunday: I worked and didn't have time to talk to any of the cuties.
Monday: I watched Leilae. She's the adorable daughter of a coworker. We went to the park and played and watched the squirrels and she laughed and laughed and laughed. What a joy!
Tuesday: I went to a baby shower for a friend from work. She's due in another month and is quite the stunning lady, I must say.

So this week has been baby filled. It's new part of life, and while none of these kids are mine, obviously, I still love it! And I'm realizing some things...

When I explain that I got my degree in music but don't want to perform, the next question, almost every single time is "What about teaching?" I have thought about it a lot, but know that I wouldn't be good at it. Yes, I love kids, but in all honesty, I am not a good teacher. Plus the main thing that has struck me over the past few years is this: When I can play and laugh with one or two or even three kids, I LOVE IT! But when we start talking four or more I start getting a little overwhelmed. I don't like having to organize large groups of kids, or adults. I like kids to crawl on my back or have me push them on a swing or just have the freedom to run (When I know that I can run after them!). But herding kids and trying to teach a large group something is not my cup of tea. I'd have to call for mega-backup.

That's my main realization... I LOVE kids in small numbers. I will watch them until the day is old. And I'll probably take pictures of them. Lots and lots of pictures!

That's my thought for the day. And speaking of pictures, I think I might go edit some today. I still have quite a few left : )

Love you all!

Back in the USofA

2008-09-20T21:22:00.004-06:00

It has been a week and a day since I have been back. This past week has been filled with a complete rainbow of emotions. You'd think I was a girl or something...

It's taken me the entirety of the past week to recover from a wicked case of jet lag. I don't much enjoy waking at 4:30 or 5:00 or 5:30 in the morning. I don't enjoy it at all. Although I will say I was quite productive in the picture realm. Woohoo! But this morning, I awoke at the more normal (even a bit late, for me) hour of 8:30. It felt good!

I am back to work and while I'm not glad to be working, I am glad to see my peoples. And in a weird way, it's almost as if I didn't leave at all. We just pick right back up as if it's another day. The laughing, the ribbing, the FREAKING BUSYNESS OF FOOTBALL SEASON. Yeah, I sort of forgot about that. But hey! It works for me.

Football season is upon us and I was shocked to return to the news that Tom Brady is out for the season. I don't like the guy, but I certainly don't want to see greatness like that out! I was maybe even more shocked to see the Dolphins beat the Patriots yesterday. WOWSERS! But if we really want to talk about amazingness, let us talk of the Colorado Buffaloes. Did anyone see that game Thursday night? Incredible. I'm telling you, we're going to be ranked! And soon: we got votes this week. Just give us a few more games.

This is all a bunch of rambling right now, I know. But there is a lot going on about which I'm trying to decide if I should write or not. What do you say if you're not sure if you are choosing Jesus or not? I'm not meaning to choose against Him by any means, but I'm not sure if I am correct right now. I'm not sure if I am wrong either, though.

Still rambling...

I don't know how to write it. I've written and deleted three different paragraphs. Sometimes my brain drives me crazy!

So instead of trying to ramble through my heart's conflict (I am a girl after all), I'm going to continue to ramble through life back in the USofA. It's been a week, and while I thought I would never recover from the heartache of leaving somewhere so utterly "me", I think I might actually survive. Somehow : ) I have been Photoshopping and Photoshopping and Photoshopping pictures. And what a joy it's been to look at them for a few minutes at a time and remember the emotions that I felt when I took them. Like this one:

This girl was so cute. She followed me around with her camera taking the same shots as I did for probably five or ten minutes. She was so endearing that I when I got the chance, I couldn't help but take a picture of her. I loved her for her sweet smile and total curiosity.

And this one: I was in total awe of how blue the sky was. I stood there staring at the contrast between the cyan blue sky and brick red rooftops. It was beautiful to me.
Yeah, my eyes are still going cross-eyed from looking at the computer, but I am loving it. I don't think I am a great photographer by any means, but I love it. Even today, I watched the daughter of a friend from work. Leilae (pronounced Lila) is 19 months old and beyond anything adorable. We played at the park and watched the squirrels and I took picture after picture of her. How is possible that kids are so photogenic? God did indeed bless them!

Beyond working and playing with babies, I have caught up with friends and sat at the coffee shop next door. In fact, I am (t)here now. It's become a bit of my life, post-Germany. It's nothing like the cafes I sat at for hours at a time there, but it has embedded itself into my life right now. And hey! There is an exposed brick wall, so that in itself should make anyone love it!

I don't even know the original point of this post. Maybe just to say "Hi! I'm still here." I wish I could blame today's scatterbrain on jet lag, but alas, no. Life is good, both here and in Germany. And God is good, both here and in Germany.

I guess that's mainly what I want to say...

Ja, ich kann Foto machen... Ugh!

2008-09-17T19:02:00.009-06:00

Eventually I will stop the German titles, I promise. I'm just not ready yet : )

It's been exactly three days since I landed in Denver. Three days of sitting in a slight oblivion.

I didn't believe in jet lag until this trip. All previous trips to the other side of the world have left me in awe and wonder, just like this one. But the whole jet lag thing eluded me. I thought it would this time as well. Sunday night I slept for 13 hours, with the assistance of a sleeping pill and ear plugs. I was a little groggy all day Monday so when I went to bed around 1030 (I felt as if I could have passed out around 630) I was sure I was going to sleep well. No sleeping pill or ear plugs would be necessary.

I awoke at the chipper hour of 430. Yeah, that was interesting. I spent most of the day yesterday sucking down caffeine at the coffee shop next door. I think I wrote a blog there actually. Yeah... I know I'm a ditz. I really did have to think of that one! Ay-yay-yay!

So last night I went to bed around 930, utterly spent. I couldn't even finish Sabrina. But I did cry in it when she quoted Gertrude Stein as saying "America is my country, and Paris is my hometown." My question is: Can an entire country be a hometown?

I awoke this morning at 730 feeling pretty dang good. I thought I'd spend a bit of time on my photos today. And that's pretty much all I did, all day. I went back to the coffee shop - I'm a caffeine junky - and sat there for about 7 hours. I only left when I did because I hadn't bought anything in about three hours and realized that a body can't live on caffeine alone.

Grand total so far for the day: 11 hours on the computer. And I'm not even done.

I sort of feel like dying. My eyes want to burn themselves and my brain has already done that, I think. I suppose that's what I get for taking The Best Camera In The World on The Best Vacation Ever. I took almost 3000 photos. Granted a ton of those were redos so I could get the lighting right. But even after I deleted all the bad ones I was still left with over 1200 pictures. What is a girl to do? She sits at her computer for a good 5 hours going through her 1200 pictures and compares them to each other. These are a few the questions (Or conversations... We already know I'm a little cuckoo!) that went through my head today:

--- How many pictures of the inside of this church do you need, Gretchen? Yes, I know you like all of the pictures, but do you really need four of the same statue? (The answer to that one is still yes.)

--- Just because you have a picture of you here doesn't mean you have to keep it if it's no good. I know, I know.

--- Yes, you like how all the different lighting turned out, but can't you just pick one? (Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.)

--- Do you even remember where this is from? Yes! I did label them. (...But in all fairness I did have to think.)

--- How pathetic is it that you can't remember something from less than two weeks ago? Very, Gretchen. Very pathetic.

--- That's not even a good picture Gretchen. Why keep it? Because it reminds me of something very good that I don't have a picture of.

And I could keep entertaining you with more of my thoughts, but let's just all say a cheer instead over the fact that I was able to "whittle" my photos down to 700.

YAY! HURRAH! WHOOPEE!

Thank you for indulging me!

After that was done though, the real work began. I told myself I had to select 100 of them to show the general public. Now I know that if you are reading this, you must love me in some way, shape or form. But even you cannot be interested in seeing 700 pictures. If you are, then God bless your soul. I'll get one of Meagan's recipes and make you dinner while we watch the two hour long slide show. Maybe three hour long.

So I went through all 700 of the pictures and selected 100. Or 120. I really couldn't decide between a few! I'm sorry. But you all will just have to indulge me here. Actually if you are reading this and you continue to read this over the next several weeks, you'll probably start seeing posts to all of the pictures. So you can indulge yourselves : )

Anyway... Can someone give me a new brain that doesn't tend to ramble? Or at least a new brain that will tell my fingers to go back and delete my ramblings? Like this one right here.

Anyway, GRETCHEN! After I chose my 120 photos I then decided that I had to Photoshop them. And really, I didn't have to, but if I want my photos to be the best they can be, well... Photoshop it is. If this is something that is really important to me, then Photoshop it is. And it is important to me. I love my pictures. I LOVE my camera. And I want to learn from this trip about photography. I can tell a difference from the beginning of the trip to the end of the trip on how the lighting turned out... What I did differently and what worked. And I can also tell that I still have so much to learn. But I am learning...

Some of the photos turned out brilliantly. I didn't touch them. Some of them were good and I didn't touch them. Some of them were good and I just brushed them up a bit. Some of them mean the world to me but they didn't turn out as well as my heart remembers them. Thank you Photoshop. We live in a digital world, and even the most professional of photographers retouch their photos... I know I don't have to justify myself to you all, but maybe a little to myself. Oh well, I love Photoshop. I love the way just a few small changes make everything POP a little more dramatically.

I spent about 4 hours Photoshopping. By the time I was done I think I was going SEVERELY crazy. My eyes couldn't focus on the computer and I didn't really care about how they were turning out. I did care, I just didn't have the patience to deal with my aging computer. And that was only retouching about half of the pictures... Dear me! Most of the non-120 photos, the ones in the non-public batch, will be retouched in some way. It's what I do. I guess what I'm saying there is that if you don't see or hear from me for another month, just come and unglue me from my computer. I'll be here.

And bring coffee!

All this talking about photos makes me want to share more photos... What do you think? Grand? Okay!

First, what I know you all have been dying to see for two weeks: Akram and I! Now I know the picture isn't great, but the flash didn't go off, so just deal with it okay?!?!? He's cute, huh? Just not for me... Sorry Akram!
Dachau: "Work makes you free" I still hurt thinking of this day.

Dachau again: This is a sculpture of prisoners trying to break free through the barbed wire. In the back ground are the two remaining bunkhouses.

Bayreuth: A little lighter and happier! This is the opera house!

Bayreuth: Remember that I'm artsy-fartsy so of course this photo has to happen : ) This is a lamp outside of the Festspielhaus.

Bayreuth: Do you think Wagner walked through these doors? Oh dear me!

Rothenburg ob der Tauber: The Shepherd's Dance. My favorite part is his three earrings.

Rothenburg ob der Tauber: These cannons were so loud! I was talking to the Pastor at church three blocks away and could hear them clear as a bell. Or more like clear as shotgun going off right next to your head... I'm telling you, LOUD!

Neuschwanstein from Marienbrucke... So beautiful, even with all the scaffolding!

Neuschwanstein: The view from the path down to the castle. The castle you see down there is Hohenschwangau, where Ludwig II grew up and watched his Neuschwanstein being built.
Me and Neuschwanstein (from Hohenschwangau), in case you didn't see it at the top : )

Mit Kate in Deutschland!

2008-09-16T12:03:00.009-06:00

Here I sit in the coffee shop next door to 1320. It has been less than 48 hours since I arrived back in Denver, and just more than 48 hours since I departed Frankfurt...

Let's see... I love having my computer back, but I will admit that I keep on hitting the "z" for "y" and a few other differences on this kezboard than those I got used to in Germany and Austria. See: kezboard. I promise I didn't mean to do that again. It just happened. It's kind of a testament to the human brain in how quickly we can adapt and learn. In just two weeks, I learned a new keyboard. Hmmm...

I awoke at 430 this morning. This could be a rambly post.

The last time I wrote, I was on my way to pick Kate up from the Muenchen airport. She got in and we pretty much immediately picked up where we left off more than a year ago. We took the train back to downtown Muenchen and checked her into the hostel. Then we went a wandering. We ducked into the Frauenkirche, where I had previously had a beautiful time praying. It was fun to experience the same place twice: Once alone, in silence. And again with a friend, commenting on the beauty of the church....

Pope Benedict (the something... I can't remember which number and don't want to be bothered by looking it up) preached here back in 2006. He was also the bishop and cardinal of this area, so they are very proud of him.

While I respect the Papst and all, I happened to find these guilded roses more interesting!

And the crucifix was probably one of my favorite ones I saw... It was so simple and pure.
We wandered in and out of the little shops thinking of ways we would love to carelessly throw our money about. That is if we had money to carelessly throw about! For a snack we strolled through the local market and bought some cheese, bread, and blackberries. DELICIOUS!!!! Post snack we ascended the 180-ish steps of Peterskirche to see one of the best views of Muenchen possible:

The Frauenkirche is the church in the background with the two domes. The other beautiful building is the Rathaus, or government building.

After watching the Glockenspiel do it's little gig we continued to shop... I bought the best souvenir EVER. Seriously! But that is another post for another time. It needs pictures! Finally we were thirsty and hungry, and I already had told her that we were going to the Hofbrauhaus, sort of the stereotypical tourist place. The place with the huge beer mugs and lederhosen spilling out from everywhere... And we had a great time. We sat in the biergarten and had our litre of bier each. Which, by the way is a freaking HUGE bier!

And one of those is mine, by the way... Kate didn't double fist it with both of those!!!! By the time we finished those, we were starving, so we of course ordered another bier. And a very delicious German dinner.

And probably needless to say, after two litres of bier, we were quite happy. So what do happy girls do? We take pictures on the random streets of Muenchen!

It was a fun night filled with laughter and great conversation! Thanks lady!

The next morning we awoke and decided to head to Frankfurt, where both of our planes were leaving the next day. After spending about 5 hours on trains and making Kate totally sick of me wanting to take picture of a person, we arrived in Frankfurt. I didn't think that there was much that would ever interest me in Frankfurt, but man was I wrong!

It's this lively, modern city. It was largely destroyed in World War II, and instead of rebuilding in the original style, they just rebuilt it. There are still plenty of old German style buildings, but there are skyscrapers. I hadn't realized that I hadn't seen skyscrapers at all until Frankfurt. I'm not a big city person, so the lack of skyscrapers was okay with me, but even so... They were kind of pretty to see in their own way!

Plus we found this charming little plaza with tons of the old world feel. Both Kate and I loved it! I probably took about 100 pictures just of this area. I was trying to capture the last remnants of my stay in Germany...

We had a delicious final dinner and some German wine... I had Wienerschnitzel again, and Kate had Bratwurst with Apfelkraut. Yummy!!!!! But then there was desert. I had seen these things at different cafes all over the place and was bound and determined to have one before we left:

Seriously! There was tons of fresh fruit in there and tons of ice cream, and had they put regular vanilla instead of all the fruit sorbet sort of stuff, it would have been 1000 times better, but even so... It was still beautiful and delish! We returned to our hotel (YES! I said hotel... NOT hostel!!!!!) and watched German TELEVISION! Well, mainly we watched a Michael Jackson video fest:

It was awesome. Really. He may be a total cook, but you gotta love his music and his videos!

The next morning we awoke, had a quick breakfast, and made our way to the airport: And I carried the massive pack for one last big haul. I'm telling you... Any of you that can go real backpacking with these things on your backs, well, you are AMAZING to me. I thought I was going to die a couple times. But I certainly did learn that I don't need half of what I packed for this trip... And that is a grand lesson to learn!

So that pretty much wraps up my trip to Germany and Austria. Wow. There is so much more I want to say. I'll probably write about more and more for a few days. But for now, I can't believe I am back, I can't believe it's over, and I can't wait to go back...

Die schones Schloss

2008-09-11T23:27:00.002-06:00

It is now Friday morning. I'm going to type a very quick post, which will surely not do justice to what I want to talk about. I'm going to eat a very quick breakfast, which will surely not do justice to how hungry I am. I'm going to go get a small bouquet at one of the wonderful little flower stands in München, which will probably not to justice to most bouquets of flowers. And then I'm going to pick up my friend Kate from the airpost, and all those things that I do previously will surely do justice to this last act.

It's still early for me. Pardon my... Train of thought.

Yesterday was my last day alone on this trip. It's hard to believe that I am going home in just over 48 hours. Omigoodness! I don't really even know how to digest all that I have seen. It's been the most glorious two weeks I could have imagined. I didn't even imagine much of it.

Thank you Jesus!

Yesterday I went to Neuschwanstein. It's the fairytale princess castle set against the stunning backdrop of a small lake and some beautiful mountains. There were LOADS of tourists there, and I'm sure that this was a slow day, but even so! As I was walking up to the castle I thought "Well, of course I have to see this, but I do really hope the inside is more impressive and more interesting than some of the other palaces." I don't really do well with the cheesy set up that sometimes comes with old palaces or residences, ie Mozart's home.

I walked up to a bridge and saw the most glorious view of the castle. Even King Ludwig II, the wonderful man responsible for building this castle, wrote about the wonder of the view from the bridge. I don't remember that quote though, and I don't want to go digging through my camera for it. Sorry! After the bridge I walked down the path to the castle entrance. They hearded us into the servants hall way, and all I could think thoughout the entire tour was this:

OH. MY. GOSH.

I. LOVE. THIS. MAN.

OH. MY. GOSH.

I. AM. GOING. TO. BECOME. OBSESSED. WITH. THIS. KING.

OH. MY. GOSH.

I. LOVE. THIS. MAN.

OH. MY. GOSH.

I'm pretty sure my jaw hung open the entire time! It was the most beautiful building and architecture I have ever seen. For the kings bedroom alone 14 wood carvers worked for 4 years completing the OUTRAGEOUSLY gorgreous woodwork. But the entire castle was OVERDONE. And completely brilliant. It was stunning. And what endeared me even more to the King and his Castle:

Ludwig dedicated Neuschwanstein to the operas of Richard Wagner. Huge murals on the walls depicted scenes from Wagners operas. Every wall. Rooms were created with the feeling of Wagners ideas. But even if you don't know Wagner at all, I'm sure your jaw couldn't help but hang open for awhile.

It was one of the, if not the most, incredible places I have ever scene. Really. A highlight of this trip.

And now I must go... Have a wonderful few days! I don't expect that I will write much more, but I'll try. If not, though, I will write a whole heck ton when I get home.

Love you all!!!!

Die schweriges Tag meines Leben?

2008-09-10T11:44:00.006-06:00

WARNING: This is not a happy-go-lucky post. This was very, very hard for me to write, and thus so, it is hard to read. It's raw, but it's true. It's what I felt.

Today I went to Dachau. Dachau was the site of the first, and longest running, concentration camp of the Nazi reign. It was concieved as a work camp, unlike the death grips of Auschwitz.But that didn't save thousands and thousands from dying there. They died of starvation, of exhaustion, of disease... And they died in the gas chamber.

I don't really know what to say about it. Compared to the sheer joy I felt yesterday, today felt like I was sitting in quicksand, slowly sinking lower and lower. As depressing as it was, that isn't the point for these days...

I saw and touched the heavy metal gates that prisoners were brought through. I walked through. The words Arbeit macht frei were welded into the gate. "Work makes you free." Men were made to hope (?) that they would be set free if they worked hard enough. Men who would denied allegiance to Hitler. Men who were a different nationality. Men who were Christians. Men who were Jews. Men who stood for something better.

I saw the main building, put together brick by brick by the men enslaved there. It's now a memorial museum to the men who built it. I saw there smiles before they were emprisoned. I saw their kids, their wives, their dogs. I saw a bit of their lives. Their true lives. I saw the baths where they were tortured in the main building. I saw the room where they were stripped of all their possessions, and their dignity. I saw the room where they were made into a number.

I saw where two of the barracks where they slept. I saw the bunks stacked in threes and stretching the length of the building. I saw the rows and rows and rows gravel where the rest of the barracks used to stand.

I stood in the huge emptiness where they were lined up every day for roll call, waiting to know who would get food and who would starve; who would be tortured and who would be spared; who would be mindlessly murdered. I saw the religious monuments that stand in silence for these men.

And I walked into the room where the men were told they would be taking showers. I stood where these men took off their clothes for the last time. I saw the spouts that looked like shower heads to make the men believe they were being told the truth.

I walked through the gas chamber. I could barely look at it, I wanted to run through it, run around it.

But I walked through the gas chamber.

I stood where their bodies were piled after they had died. Piled.

I saw the ovens where their bodies were shoveled and burned. I looked into the crematoriums.

And I saw where there ashes were buried.

I'm sorry to be so exposed here, but I have something else to see:

Despite all this terror and horror and unfathomable cruelty, I saw hope. Everywhere I looked there were reminders that these people were not giving up. Everything pressing in on them, told them to give up, but they are humans, and I truly believe that one of our greatest gift as humans is hope.

I read a story of a man who every single year was asked to pledge his allegiance to Hitler. Every single year, for 12 years, he refused. He was severly beaten every single year. But he survived. I read a story of a man who was a caberet dancer in Austria before being arrested for being a Jew. He continued to bring joy throughout his time at Dachau, bringing smiles and laughter to the men. I saw the crosses the priests carved in secret and the beautiful robes they sewed in the darkness. I read stories of men supporting another man during roll call just so he wouldn't be murdered for falling. These men were tortured for helping, but they still helped. Theirs are threads of pure gold woven into the darkness that is Dachau.

And no matter the stories, they beg to be told. They sober us, they bring us to our knees, but they beg to be remembered. They deserve to be told. And so Dachau still stands. Reminding us of the darkness, reliving the darkness, and begging for it to never happen again.

Die besten Tag meines Leben?

2008-09-09T13:25:00.004-06:00

Okay, okay, okay Andy! I did try to read your blog, but I couldn't access it from your info page, or at least not in my hurried state on these pay-by-the-second computers!

Hello everyone else! Today I awoke early, showered, had a great breakfast here at the hostel, and headed for the train by eight. I was headed for Bayreuth. A town of little to no consequence for foreigners. Unless you happen to be a fan of opera. Wagnerian opera, at that. Richard Wagner (pronounced Vahg-ner), The Greatest Composer To Ever Live. Ever., built his famous opera house there. I've been a fan of Wagner since high school when Mr. Pavao took us to see The Flying Dutchman in Milwaukee. Since then, I have been a devoted fan. Mozart wrote wonderful, charming, intricate operas. Verdi wrote incredible, dramatic, grandiose operas. Puccini and Handel and Bellini and countless others have awed the world, and me, with their works.

But Wagner... He ranks far above them all in my heart. He wrote HUGE operas. He wrote EPIC operas. He took simple stories and turned them into gold thread woven into the kings robe. He wrote what my heart responds to. And today I got to tour his opera house. The tour was entirely in German. I didn't really know what was being said, so I tried to pay attention but more just entertained myself with looking around the simplistic beauty of the house.

From what I could tell, this was not a place to show off the building, or even the people gathered to watch the show (The seats are extremely uncomfortable, and some of Wagner's operas go for five hours!). Sounds much like Wagner. It was very, very pretty, don't get me wrong. But it was huge! The space was not taken up by seats from by space. Tons and tons and tons of space. Everything was in the entire house was centered on making the sound echo through out the building, from the lack of tapestries and cushions to the design of the orchestra pit (including switching the positioning of the violins). But I'm getting too technical for my likes...

This wasn't a wow-me-with-the-facts kind of tour, although it makes me love the overly controlling composer even more. He was kind of ocd, like me. Actually, probably way more than me. As we were finishing the tour we were on the stage and were let through a small door that allowed us to stand on the stage facing the auditorium.

Now if you have read this blog over the past few days, you know that I have been asking for prayer. I won't go into what about, but know that I hit a rough patch I wasn't sure I'd be able to overcome on this trip. I knew I could have a great time the rest of my time, but I sort of felt this black cloud hanging over me. Yesterday I was praying and I felt a sort of peace. Like I should always know comes from Him, but I never do really expect that peace. I don't deserve it, but He still grants it. I awoke this morning and noticed the cloud had diminished some. There was still anger and hurt and frustration, but peace was moving in. I thought less of the negative and more of all the positive. Now this day above all others of this trip I know comes from God.

As I walked up to the opera house before the tour, I found myself tearing up at the sheer joy of being there. Of realizing a dream of being there. As I stood on the stage, I smiled and said a silent prayer of thanks for him taking me there. Maybe I would never sing professionally, but at least I could stand on this stage and look out and smile.

Then Jesus showed me His dream for me. And truly, you all can call me crazy, but this was so Him, and so not me. I realized that I needed to sing on this stage. I asked the tour guide if I might me able to do so. In my shaky, really, really nervous, broken German. "Ja! Ja! Ja!" He responded. He told everyone to go sit in the auditorium, which I had not planned on, and I stood there on the empty stage, looking out at the vast space.

I sang Gretchen am Spinnrade again. My voice echoed as it never had before. It soared as I never thought it could soar. As beautiful as the singing in Vienna was, this was what true, guilded, God made dreams are made of. This was His song.

When I ended, my "audience" clapped and cheered. I curtsied quickly and thanked our guide profusely. Then I realized I needed to get out of there soon, because I was going to lose it. I talked to people for a few moments, but I left as soon as I could. And indeed, when I was far enough from people, I started crying. It was truly one of the most beautiful moments of my life, those two minutes up there.

I SANG AT THE BAYREUTH FESTSPIELHAUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are not enough exclamation points to go with that sentence. Even now, I can't believe it. And through that, in addition to it being the one of the best things that has ever happened to me, one of the greatest gifts I've ever recieved, it brought total redemtion and total peace. Whatever He and I were arguing about, it doesn't matter. It's incredible.

The day was incredible. Such a droll day in comparison to so much else I have seen, but...

But how spectacular the dream truly was!

München ist wunderbar!

2008-09-08T13:55:00.002-06:00

I only have a few moments tonight because silly me didn't bring much change downstairs with me, so this is going to be short. One thing I have to ask though is: Who is "smackymc"? I've wracked my brain trying to figure you out, but I can't... Help!

München is going to be a fun town I think, not that I am spending much time here over the next few days. But after finishing my laundry this morning I walked around the city near my hostel (which is in the MOST CONVENIENT location ever: right across from the train station and a two minute walk from the main pedestrian area). I decided that even though München is a big city it is still going to be wonderful.

I don't know what it is about Germany, but I feel like I know this place. My German is slowly improving, especially after spending an hour talking in German with an Italian this morning over breakfast. He spoke about as much English as I speak Italian: None. But he helped me figure out a bunch of different phrases and things I had kept wondering about in the language. Can I remember it? We'll see.

Germany in general is continuing to capture my heart. Austria was beautiful and wonderful and stunning, but here in Germany, I feel like my heart knows something special about here. I know it sounds cheesy, but that's me : )

I spent an hour today in die Frauenkirche, or Lady's Church, praying and sitting and writing. I don't know if Jesus and I are through whatever it is that we are going through, but I know He is still here and still wanting to bless this trip and me. Somehow. Thank you so much to those of you praying. I really do appreciate it!

I wandered through a beautiful Garden today, tried to go through the halls that might have inspired Richard Wagner's Ring cycle of operas. It was closed due to construction, and I was very sad. He is after all my ideal composer, and tomorrow I go to see the opera house he built for his own operas. He was a weird and demanding and not really nice man, but I still love his music! I found the Hofbräuhaus and decided that German beer gardens may be the best thing ever done for alcohol. I dreamed about buying a dirndl, the traditional German dress you would imagine seeing. I watched a glockenspiel playing it bells and the characters dancing around in their not fluid movements. And I realized again, for the 7392nd time on this trip that Europe is wonderful.

I do love it here. Thank you all of you for your support in going. I do appreciate it!

Viele Lieb!

Essen und trinken in Salzburg

2008-09-07T13:26:00.006-06:00

I have tried and tried to make breaks in between the paragraphs, but it's not happening. Sorry for the one MAJOR paragraph!

Well, it's been a few days, huh? Last time I wrote it was my first night in Salzburg and I had already had a marriage proposal in Wien. But I have a bit to catch you up on now...

The Sound of Music tour was delightful, actually. Our guide, Kathi, was so knowledgable about so much having to do with Salzburg, it's history, and the real Von Trapp family. We saw a bunch of sights from the film and despite the BRIGHT yellow bus, I had a really good time. Mom, there was one part on it that I thought, "If Mom were here, she's probably be crying." Instead, I teared up for you! But I would challenge any of you girls who grew up watching the Sound of Music to go on a drive through the BEAUTIFUL, lush, fertile, wonderful Austrian countryside, and just as you come upon a bunch of hills rolling and tumbling in all their green-ness you hear "The hills are alive... With the sound of music... With songs they have sung... For a thousand years..." I felt like I could almost see Julie Andrews twirling in her wonder.

Yeah I enjoyed it! Heck, I even had "crisp apple strüdel" at a little café we stopped at. And yes Dad, I did take a picture of the country side : )

The rest of my time in Salzburg was wonderful. I strolled the streets munching on local delights like ein Bossa, a wurst with mustard, onions, parsely and curry. Strange, but really, really good. And then there were the chocolates with Mozart's face plastered all over them. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are ever in Salzburg do not eat the red Mozart chocolate. While good in their own way, they are IN NO WAY comparable to the orignal Fürst chocolate in the blue wrapper. Splurge the extra ,50 and get the good stuff. Seriously. And then there was by far my favorite meal in Salzburg: It was in one of the many platzen and as I was strolling around I saw a would could really only be described as a hot dog stand. But hot dog is such an unjust word. I had Käserkronen. It was a bratwurst filled with cheese served with sweet and regular mustard and a roll on the side. There was a big basket of rolls and I picked one with sunflower seeds on it. I stood at the stand (That's sort of an odd sentence, yes?) and watched the world go by. I really think I could have eaten that the entire time I was there. But alas, my life is tragic and I only found it on my last day there!

I could go on for another two pages on the tortes that I had as well, but I won't bore you with that. I just realized that I haven't eaten since about noon (and it is now almost ten). All this writing about food is making me hungry!

Salzburg was a whirlwind of tours and tours and museums and panoramic vistas. Not nearly as laid back, for me, as Vienna. Maybe I was making up for all the stuff I didn't do in Vienna. From Mozart's two different houses (his Gebürthaus and his Wohnhaus, his birth house and later residence) to the Hohenfestung, the major fortress that sits above the city (incredible to look at, a little boring to walk around... but you history buffs would love it), to the AMAZING cemetary and catacombs. This was tied for #1 sight in Salzburg for me. They were so, so, so, so beautiful. I thought you Karissa, Angie and Mom, and would have liked to have wondered through them with you all! The other #1 was the Panoramic Museum: In the mid-1800s a man painted the entire panorama of Salzburg from the top of the Hohenfestung. He then hung it in a circular room and so it made a continuous painting around the entire way. As I stood looking down at a lot of the buildings, I could almost imagine looking down from the top of the Hohenfestung sometime in the middle of the 19th century. Incredible!!! Plus, there is a really fun game you get to play and there was almost no one there. A MUST if you ever go to Salzburg.

And to couple all that culture, I even got a night out on the town with one of the guys that worked at where I was staying (which by far had THE BEST VIEWS in the city). And no it wasn't a date, although what is it with me and only meeting guys? Seriously, even today on the train, I talked to another guy for about an hour. Yeah... this is just grand. Anyway, Oliver was fun and wore lederhosen and took me to meet all of his friends at all of his favorite bars. It was fun, but LATE! That was Friday night.

After sleeping a bit longer than I had planned on Saturday, I took a train to Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Germany, a charming, charming, CHARMING town that was in the middle of their Medieval Fest. I wondered the town for the short time I was there (about 4pm to about 4pm today), shopped in the cutest little Christmas shoppes you can dream of, saw the annual Schäferstanz, or Shephard's Dance, and even went to church this morning at the Cathedral. Lutheran Cathedral. I only understood a bit of it, but after talking with the pastor afterwards, I pieced it together. It was beautiful though. The Shephard's Dance was enchanting and the tiny town was abuzz with locals dressed like they were heading to a Rennaisance Festival and Japanese tourists with their cameras in hand. And I, of course, had my camera in hand. I would highly recommend a stop here, but take more than 24 hours. I didn't do any of the great history stuff. And you boys would appreciate that there aren't just cutesy shops, but shops with armor and swords galore. There is even a midieval crime and punishment museum...

And now I am in Munich. I'll be here until Saturday and then I leave on Sunday. It seems odd that this trip is more than half over, especially when I think of all I still have planned. And then KATE!!!!!! Five days, friend!

On a more serious note: Ma heart... Well, Jesus and I are having a bit of an disagreement and I don't know how to deal with it this time. So if you are the praying type, say a small prayer for me. I'm fine and all is going well, I'm just having a bit of a snag...

Anyway... I'm finally hearing some German music... German Rap to be exact... Interesting.

Love you all!

Nicht hieratet ist links...

2008-09-03T11:03:00.008-06:00

What to write tonight?

I am in Salzburg tonight and think I may be in love. I knew upon arrival into die Altstadt (oldcity) that I was going to feel about 100 times more at home here than in Wien. That's not to say Vienna didn't have it's perks. There were actually plenty of them:

As I was walking back to my hostel two nights ago, I went through the Palace... Courtyard, I guess you could call it. I walked through this long passage way with probably fifteen foot ceilings and was already humming a tune from a song I once learned. I saw there was no one coming my way. I looked behind me and saw there was no one coming that way, either. So I sang Gretchen am Spinnrade at full voice. It was loud. It echoed. It was all wrong technically. But it was probably the most fun I had in Vienna and I treasured every note. It was wonderful!

Then there was Akram... My marraige proposal. Yes, Dad, Mom, and Dale... My marraige proposal. My second day there, Monday, I was walking the Ringstrasse, which is a big boulevard built way-back-when that circles die Altstadt. I breaked for a lunch consisting of a Kebab and a Coke Light in a small little alcove . About halfway through, a gentleman sat on the same ledge a few feet away. Maybe ten minutes after sitting down he started talking to me and we had a pleasant conversation. He is from Uzbekistan, has lived in Vienna for three years studying and working, loves Vienna but wants to figure out what he really wants to do in life. We talked for awhile more and then he had to return to work. But he insisted on taking me out for coffee the next night. All excuses I could possibly come up with were lost.

We met at the Opera Haus and though I had already eaten, he was starving, so we went to Café Mozart, maybe one of the touristy places in Vienna, but oh well. We had a great conversation about his home and his family. He is from a fairly liberal Islamic family, and he and his sister were raised to be fairly independent people. And his father calls him every week and asks him if he has gotten married. And then we started talking about relationships for way too long and why neither of us were in relationships and how I may be too closed off and too picky for a relationship and how he doesn't think you can search for something, but how fate can easily bring two people together and smack! You're in love.

Oh dear me.

We walked a bit around the city. We laughed and had still good conversation and he also made no less than five comments on how I could be his wife. When we parted ways, I said "Thank you Akram Mukhamatkulov, or how ever you say it!" He said, "You know that it could be your name one day too."

Ha ha ha. I didn't know what to say, so I laughed nervously and said "I had a lovely time, thank you."

I can't say that it was the happiest situation I have ever been in, but I can say that I'm soooooo glad for the story I have from it. And he really was a great guy and will make a girl really happy one day. Just not this girl.

So what is that two great things about Wien?

Number three: Movies in the park. More specifically Opera in the Park. I had heard about this from Bev and Chuck (a lovely couple from Canada I met on the train coming into Vienna and saw again at the Opera Haus tour). Akram walked me over there before he had to go and I walk into ein Platz filled with food vendors ranging from traditional Sachertort to sushi to a Tandoori. And so many different types of drinks. There were people everywhere enjoying the food and as I picked my way through the crowd, I came upon a HUGE screen in from of der Rathaus, or cityhall. The show was just beginning and it was a Russian Opera that I missed the title of.

The entire experience was one I wished I'd known about on Sunday because I could not have imagined a better way to spend the evening. The opera was in Russian and the subtitles in German, the setting was a prison, and the music fairly 20th century-ish, but I was completely entranced. I cannot express how much I enjoyed myself!

And lastly for this list of things that I loved about Wien: my one souvenir I bought, other than a few postcards, was a large, GORGEOUS sheet of paper. If any of you have seen my paper collection, you know I don't need any more. But it was the Opera Haus. And it was €2,60. And I couldn't resist. What opera performance major who tours the Vienna Opera Haus, buys pretty paper from it? Apparently this one. Akram said I was "weird". I think I agree with him.

So those were probably my highlights of Wien, aside of course for sitting on die plätze and drinking coffee while people watching. As I walked the streets, I thought of many of you, and thought how much you would have liked it.

For me, though, I can already tell you that I much prefer Salzburg in all it's Mozart dipped grandeur. Tomorrow I do the gag-me-it-might-be-too-cheesy Sound of Music Tour. But I'm excited none the less. I am back in a small town, this girl is so excited. Who knows who I may charm this time around : )

Mit die Wiener!

2008-09-01T10:59:00.005-06:00

I only have a little bit of time tonight... I'm trying to make it to an Organ Concert at Peterskirche. I'm posting some pictures from the last few days. Check the blogs to see them!

Vienna is impressing me more and more with each hour I spend here. What yesterday was a huge old city with more adornment than I could almost possibly handle, is today a bustling city that still knows how to relax.

Inside Stephansdom:

I spent two hours outside of Stefansdom (the Cathedral) writing and people watching. I wandered all around, which is turning into the delightful theme of this trip. I tried to decide if the tour of the Cathedral was really worth it (No, was the answer.), I met a lovely gentleman while eating a Kebab, and didn't tour one musuem. Tomorrow is going to be a busier day.

I realized that if I could spend my entire life sitting on plätze drinking ein Caffe and people watching, I would be a pretty darn happy person! I'm not going to lie!

If I could also spend an hour praying in beautiful, amazing, stunning churches everyday, I'm sure I would be even happier!

It was a great day, and although Vienna might not be as delightful as Regensburg (at least so far) I am so glad I have gotten the chance to visit it!

Until the next time...

Die Chocolate Erdbeere. (With pictures!)

2008-08-31T11:01:00.005-06:00

Whoa!

I mean, WHOA!

Did you know you can experience culture shock within 200 miles. I don't think I did. I am now in Vienna, and all I can think is, WHOA!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system...

Well here I am in an entirely different country. I got into Vienna around 1:30 this afternoon, checked into my hostel and then hit the city. And when I say I hit the city, I was expecting to be able to wander about it sort of like Regensburg. Ummm... Yeah. This may be a wandering sort of city, but you have to do it in chunks. This place is HUGE! And there are more people here than I was expecting. I don't know why I was expecting a quaint little European City, but Vienna is not quaint. Well, it may be quaint, but it CERTAINLY is not little.

And talk about a tourist town... I went from German tourist town to World tourist town. Omigoodness. My hostel is about two blocks from the train station, and a few feet from one of the main shopping areas. But I think everything in between the train station and the old town is the main shopping area. It's crazy!

But aside from this place being sooooo much bigger than I was expecting, this place is A MILLION times more grand than I was expecting. I've see some beautifully built places in my time. From York Minster, to the National Cathedral, to the Golden Gate Bridge, to the Dom, to places that I can't even remember. But I seriously think Vienna might put ALL of them to shame. Holy cow people. I do believe I might be on beauty overload...

Is that possible for me????????

I mean there is amazing building after amazing building after amazing palace after amazing palace. And the worst part is is that the opera house is probably one of the most plain buildings I have seen today. I can't even tell you how badly my jaw wanted to drop. But if there is one thing I fear almost more than the dark it would probably be looking like that tourist.

But really, what would you do if you came across this?

One of my favorite parts of the day was walking between Die Kunsthistorisches Museum and Die Naturalhistorisches Museum (the art and history museums) and hearing a TON of screaming kids. I wandered a little further and found a family fun day. There were blow up bouncy tents and tons of them. A group was singing and dancing to the utter delight of all the kids, who clapped and bounced to their hearts delight. One of the little girls:

And all this was taking place in a huge platz where the royals probably used to walk their pristine dogs. It was a sight to be seen. I loved it! I love the joy that kids find in EVERYTHING!

Other than that, I did what I have done best over the past few days: I've wandered. As I was walking I had a thought that sort of popped into my head out of nowhere that seems to weirdly capture my feelings at the moment. Regensburg is a strawberry. Simple, delightful, around for ages, and utterly wonderful. I love strawberries. They are one of the best fruits ever put on this earth. Vienna is like taking that strawberry and dipping it the absolute richest, most divine, luxurious chocolate you can imagine. And we're not talking Ghiradelli here. We're talking some chocolate that you can't find in the States.

Are you following me?

Now imagine you were expecting strawberry with a thin layer of wimpy Hershey's chocolate and instead you bit into this über rich European delight. That's sort of how I feel. You've got to prepare yourself for something like that, you know? You've got to be able to savor the richness.

I'll end my ananlogy there. But do you get it? I thought I would just be able to wander around again, and have a fantastic time. And I'm sure I could, but Vienna is STEEPED in history. And we are talking a full blown Earl Grey steeping, not some measley Oolong steeping. I've got to have a plan. I'm good at planning where to stay, not to make a ranking of what I should see... Oh dear me!

Three absolutely dreadful things I have found out today:
1. Iam not going to be here to see an opera at Der Staatsoper. Vienna is known for nothing if not it's opera, and I don't get to see one. The season starts up two days after I leave. I thought I looked before I left and saw that there was one playing, but alas, no!
2. There are Starbucks here. Not on every corner like in America but about every few corners.
3. Kentucky Fried Chicken is popular over here. There was one near my hostel in Regensburg, but I really thought that was a fluke. I tried to ignore it being there. But I've seen three of them today here in Vienna. There has got to be something wrong. This has to be another fluke, right? Someone tell me right.

Okay... I am off to figure out what to do tomorrow. We shall see... Maybe I'll visit a palace. That can't be too horrible, huh?

Viel Lieb : )

An oops picture that had to made into a real picture, I laughed out loud when I saw it:

Just one of the AMAZING doors I have found:

Mein Lieblingstadt... Regensburg. (With pictures!)

2008-08-30T10:00:00.005-06:00

Hello again!

I sit in an interenet cafe somewhere in the die Altstadt Regensburg. It's been another long day of wondering around, and I've passed many of the same stores over and over again. But I love it. This is a city I could see myself living in. There are few English speakers anywhere, and even few Americans, but it is such a delightful city. I'll explain more in a minute...

First though, I met a friend! Yay! Everyone clap for Gretchen. Yes, I am a dork! As soon as I finished last nights blog, I went back to the room to get ready for bed and lo and behold I had a roommate. From the looks of shoes on the floor, I knew it was a boy. Not really what I wanted, but hey, at €5 a night cheaper, I'll share a room with boys. I'll just be sure to where my snow suit to bed.

Anyway... He came out of the bathroom and smiled big. Said "Hallo!" and we immediately fell into easy conversation. His name is Quirin (pronounced with a kv). He is going to med school in October and came up for the night to look for places to live. He was so excited to speak English that I barely got three words of German out. I was so excited to have someone to talk to on my birthday! We went out on the patio and had a delicious beer and talked for another hour. He comes from München, wants to be a sports medicine doctor, and was a dleight to talk to. And yes girls, he was cute:

We went to bed (I sat for three minutes trying to figure out a better way of putting that, but just know that we were at complete opposite ends of the room. Geez!) and awoke around seven to some loud group leaving the hostel. Since I had no plans, and he had plenty of time, we went and fruhstücked over near the university. Quirin had a delicious looking pastry and I had a huge slice of cherry pie. I thought I was ordering a pastry as well, but no. It was good, but pie for breakfast has never been my thing. Afterwards, I made him pose for a picture and then he gave me a ride back to the Altstadt. He lives in München so we exchanged info for hanging out there.

Driving through Regensburg was great. I got to see the non-touristy part, and realized that this was a city I could really love. It's simple and quiet, but it is still a larger city. At least by Germany's standards. So today, after being dropped off, I wandered a bit before sitting by a fountain and going through a bunch of pictures, deleting almost half of the pictures. I wondered down to the water, saw numerous wedding pictures being taken on the way, and had a Bratwurst mit Susse Senft from a place that has been making bratwursts there for over 100 years. Soooooo delicious. I even liked the rye bun. I dangled my feet over the ledge, parying someone wouldn't want to push me in, and watched the whirlpools that the Stone Bridge creates in the Danube. It's quite fascinating.

That's the stony bridge in the background:

Then I wandered some more. I found an artist whose work I love, a paper store that could rival Meininger (if that's possible) and settled into a cafe to have an Eiscafe. Iced coffee with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. Delicious. I people watched, wrote a letter, and tried to converse with Johanna. Her English was not so good, and my German is not so good, but she really was a wonderful little lady, and a total joy to my heart.

Along the Danube at the end of the day:

A view of one of the streets in die Altstadt:
Other than all that, my biggest dilemma is whether to buy one of "my" artists pieces, or wait. I leave tomorrow for Vienna, and am actaully a little sad to go. I know that there will be more wonderful time to spend relaxing with "my peoples" in the rest of the cities on my trip. But Regensburg is a part of my heart now, and I can only hope I can return.

Be well, dear friends! Ich liebe sich, und hoffe dass sie sehr gute Wochenende haben!

Heute ist mein Geburtstag! (with pictures!)

2008-08-29T13:22:00.003-06:00

Grüss Gott meine Freunde!

Today is my birthday and I have celebrated it alone. IN GERMANY! It has been an event filled few days and although it's only 9:30, I am exhausticated... That's a technical term, just ask the Bullis'.

Oh! and for you grammar and spelling freaks out there: if I make a mistake, you are just going to have to forgive me. It took me literally thirty seconds to find the @ symbol so I could sign in. Then it took me about another thirty seconds to figure out which combination of keys to push to make it work. And don't even get me started on the "y" being switched for the "z". I mess that up almost every time. Except when I think about it, like just now : )

Okay... Germany!

I got in at about 10:30 yesterday morning, the 28th. I proceeded to try to make my way to the train station at the airport, but I got a bit lost. It's well marked up until some point. But I found some very pleasant German gals and they sort of pointed me in the right direction. Well, it was the right direction, I was just sure I was going to get lost again. I was still a little (read: A LOT) groggy from a sleeping pill I took on the plane. Thanks Kjoy : ) So I got to the train station, got my ticket and found my way to the train tracks. Twenty minutes later I was off to Regensburg.

I tried my darndest to keep my eyes open, but sleep kept insisting upon taking over my view. Looking back now, I know I would have appreciated the ride a lot more had I not been half dazed, but as it was, I was just semi-thrilled to be here. When I arrived in Regensburg I asked the guy at the info desk what bus I should take to get to my hostel.

His answer is stereotypical of today's interactions: I asked him which bus I should take and how to get to the hostel in German. Broken German, but German none the less. He answered in German. Fast German. I had to clarify a few things, but I still got it. Buss Fünf? Ja. Geradeaus? Ja. Die Nächste? Ja. Danke schön! Bitte schön.

Oh dear me. But I have yet to get lost. I thought a few times I might have really screwed it up, but no. I'm at my hostel right now, and I thought tonights journey would prove complete in getting me way far gone, but alas, no! I asked directions, understood less than half of what der Mann said, and yet I am here.

Yesterday I decided to walk around after I got to the hostel instead of going right to bed. It was, after all, only 5:30. So I walked over to Die Einkauf Zentrum. The Mall less than a block from my hostel. It is the largest in all of Germany, according to Eddie, my host at the hostel. And yes, it was very large! And so fun! There was a coat and a pair of riding boots that I almost wanted more than life itself. Then I saw that they cost €150 and €220 respectively and I decided I quite liked my life. The one thing I did buy was a watch. Not the prettiest watch, but a watch that tells the time. That's all I needed. And at €5 I even got to keep my life!

When I was taking German in school, they talked about Bäkereien und Metzgereien, Bakeries and Meat Markets. I didn't realize how seperate they were from each other and from fruit and vegetable stands. Sure there are markets that carry all of it, but those aren't very common. Instead there is Bäckerei and then a few shops down, a Metzgerei. Mixed right in with the clothes and diamonds. I like it. And if I knew what half of the things were, I would probably order something, but German meat has yet to convince me of itself.

Instead I walked down a neighborhood street hoping to find a little restaurant. I found a Biergarten. Thurn und Taxis. I do believe it is a chain brewery, but last night I had a dinner that WOWED me like I haven't been wowed in awhile. The only words I recognized on the entire menu were Gorgonzola and Salat. So that's what I ordered. I had no clue what would come out. But it was divine. A light salad with three pieces of bread with baked Gorgonzola on top. And the kicker: a Brieselbeeren relish thing. I have no clue what Brieselbeeren are, aside from being similar to cranberries, only smaller and not as tart. But whoever came up with that meal is one step below God in my mind. Oh! I can still taste it. And my waitress said my German was good!

My first Hellesbier:

Today, I awoke after sleeping for 10 hours and walked and walked and walked. I took a cruise on the Danube to Wahalla, a stone palace thing, modeled after a Romanesque type building. It was built by Ludwig I, who also built Neuschwanstein (say it Mom!), and I wish I could give you more info, but it was all in German, and while I'm making my way around town fine, I still can't understand a quick rattling. It was beautiful, if not a bit odd. I felt like I should have been in Greece way back when, but instead the countryside was dotted with red roofs, typical of Germany. I did meet a wonderful German family who conversed with me to the best of both our abilities. That was wonderful!

Wahalla from our boat:

Me next to the columns at Wahalla:

Other than that, I walked some more. The Dom, or Cathedral, was beautiful:

But I found a smaller, more humble, and MUCH more deserted church that I enjoyed far more:

The architecture makes me long to not have on jeans and my walking shoes, but a simple maiden's dress from 700 years ago. Regensburg was founded over 900 years ago! Isn't that astonishing? It is still so beautiful, though. There are reminders of America everywhere, from the music (I have yet to hear any German music, currently we have Bon Jovi on... See Kate, you have to like it!), to the signs in English, to the Happy Birthdays on all the cards, to the Damn Yankees hat. Fortunately Starbucks has yet to invade this wonderful town.

Even with all these reminders, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I am far away from my homeland. I didn't expect to feel lonely within 12 hours of arriving to Germany, but lonely have I felt. It's not a desperate loneliness at all. I love to be alone. It's the thought that if I wanted to speak with someone in English, I would have to cross a boundary I'm not ready to cross. I may be too cuturally sensitive and don't want to be that American, but mainly, I want to speak German. Ich probiere, aber mein Deutsch ist schlecht!

And I maybe it's also that I am still tired. As I was walking home, after a great birthday dinner of who knows what (Some type of meat, spätzl, and applekraut... whatever those are!) and good beer and a delicious birthday cake (no candles), I realized how lucky I am, and how glad I am. Maybe it will really hit me tomorrow that I am actually here. But whatever the cause of my lonliness, I also KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I am not alone. He is here beside me, and for that I am so thankful!

And now we are listening to Michael Jackson's "Black or White". I know I'm not in America anymore!

EGADS!

2008-08-27T03:02:00.003-06:00

I know I promised that I would post pictures of the finished apartment and of the DNC. But really, you are just going to have to wait. I leave for my wonderful trip in about four hours now. I'm falling asleep trying to write this, so I really must be going, I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry that I failed in posting more about the DNC. It really is great to be a part of it, even if only a few days of it.

But now I am off to Germany. I'll be posting highlights here, so keep updated. And be well over the next few weeks.

Much love!

DNC Madness

2008-08-25T17:33:00.002-06:00

My friends, Jenni and Say-raw, have been sitting at Tokyo Joe's for about two hours now. We're sitting out on the patio just people watching. And there are people to watch. There are Secret Service Men, business men, badge wearing peeps, cute little kids, a few crazies, and lots o' police men. Every few minutes a group of them will walk by in their riot gear. Or they'll ride by on their bikes. Or on their horses. It's a sight to be seen.

People people people... A lone sailor. A cowboy playing chess with with a hippie. A drag queen with her own entourage. Loads of press passes. Painters on a break. Dogs barking at each other. More Secret Service Men. Downtown Denver Guides. The old guy selling CDs of his jazz flute playing. Friends from work on the bus. Johnny Reznic from the Goo Goo Dolls. Bikers walking their bikes. Couples milling about holding hands. Kids asking lots of questions. Camera crews carrying their gear. Hillary supporters showing their signs. A hotdog vendor setting up shop. Runners trying to dodge the crowd. Teenagers trying to play frisbee. Cops taking a break from the busy-ness...

It's all wonderful. I love people watching. I don't love going back to work, which is what I must do now. Pictures to follow tonight...

The Bathroom At 1320

2008-08-23T21:38:00.005-06:00

I can't believe it's been over a week since I last wrote. What happened? I had all these grand and glorious thoughts go through my head. And I specifically remember thinking "You need to write about that in the blog." Then I would get home and start working, and from there on out I was kind of useless in regards to the computer. So I am sorry I have yet again neglected this! In all reality, though, I wouldn't call all my thoughts "grand and glorious". So maybe it is better that I didn't write!

I leave for Deutschland in four days. Eek!!!! I bought the ticket about four months ago and it seemed as if it would never come. And now I'm leaving in four days. Of course I'm not ready! Emotionally and spiritually, yes, mostly. But as in physically packed and ready to walk out the door? No way. Nope. NOT AT ALL! That's what 2am, eight hours before I leave, is for, right? But hey! I do have a place to stay the first three nights! That's something : )

So instead of packing, I have been frantically unpacking my apartment. And when I say frantically, I do sort of mean frantically. It's just taken a while to get it all to the places where I think I like them. It'll be good for about three months. All I wanted was a place to come home to when I returned from Germany. A place where I could make a mess with my travels, not my boxes of books and such. My next goal before I leave is to show pictures of everything.

Today we are going to start with the bathroom, which, in all truthfulness, is probably my favorite room in 1320. Remember how is started? BLAND, but cute with lots of potential:

Here's the finished product (I just took these tonight, so I wasn't using natural light... Not quite as great as they could be, but use your imagination!):I absolutely love it! I wanted to go about ten shades darker with the paint color, but I'm so glad DJ, my landlord, didn't let me. I really love this color. And I really, really love the brown and white/off-white accents.

I got this batik in Mozambique last year and have struggled with whether to put it in the bathroom or not. I love it and it goes so well with the color schemes, but it is really big for such a small wall area. Any thoughts? I think it'll stay for right now, but we shall see in the future. If you come visit make sure you look at it and let me know what you think!

I always swore I wouldn't buy another one of these cheap-o storage things from Target, but really, I love this one. It fits in the space so perfectly! And the colors are brilliant. And yes I know I need more toilet paper, but right now, I'd rather save that money for a bathroom somewhere in Germany.

I always love having cotton balls and Q-tips easily accessible. You never know when you will need to take your nail polish off or clean out your ears. I awoke in the middle of the night a few weeks ago wanting a Q-tip. Instead, I told myself I was crazy and forced myself back to sleep. As soon as woke in the morning, though, I cleaned out my ears. It felt so good. Anyway... These canisters were from the kitchen department at Target, but I sure do love them in here.

This is probably one of my top five most prized possessions. I've kept it wrapped for more than three years now for fear of breaking it, and in all honesty I don't know if I will keep it in here or not, but we're trying it out. It's a mirror my Granddaddy gave my Granny a long time ago. She treasured and loved it so much and then wrote me a beautiful note when she passed it on to me. Already it's such a special gift in that, but I never knew my Granddaddy, except for the wonderful stories I've heard over the years. So in some small way, it almost feels as if he gave this to me, via Granny. It's so dear to me.

I just love crying while writing this thing. Not really, but I am a sap. Sometimes I can't wait to get to Heaven just so I can meet him. Granddaddy Bill. It'll be a wonderful meeting!

Okay, so now that the softy that I am has dried my eyes, let's move on. I also really, reeeeeally love my shower curtain. I saw it at Target (Can you tell where I love to shop?) over two months ago, and wanted it. I himmed and hawed for quite awhile for who knows what reason. But finally, I gave in. And I am so glad I did.

It has all these lovely little sparrows that almost perfectly match the wall color. At least I think they're sparrows. Whatever they are, I love them. Yes I do.

So that is the bathroom. I love it. You should come and visit and then you can love it too. You know you want to love it. I mean, who really loves their bathroom? Besides maybe you boys out there that love it for other reasons. But do you guys smile every time you look at your paint-matching sparrows? Or you Q-tip holders? Or the color of your bathroom walls? I didn't think so. Oh! and if you boys do come visit, please don't love my bathroom the way you love your bathroom. Thank you kindly!

Beijing & 1320

2008-08-14T23:57:00.005-06:00

I love the Olympics. I love the Winter Games, the Summer Games, the athletes, the stories behind the athletes. I love getting teary-eyed at every single Gold Medal ceremony. I love the races and the heart pumping of me, the television viewer. I love the mini-crushes I get on the boys (How could any single girl not get mini-crushes on them?). I love the eager excitement, the course disappointment, and the sheer joy you see on the athletes faces. I love to be awed by the AMAZING athleticism. And I love to see dreams being realized. I love the Olympics.

I love the Olympics. I think that will be enough of me saying I love the Olympics.

This year, though, has been slightly disheartening. I don’t have a television. And I’m really great with that 99.9999999999999999% of the time. But for the Olympics, I want a television. And I want to sit in 1320 and watch the Olympics. Instead, I sit in the bar across the street from my place and watch Michael Phelps win his sixth Gold.

My friend, Matt, had an extra television set he lent me so I could watch the Olympics. I thought life was grand. I went home tonight and started boiling some water for my dinner of spaghetti and spinach. I poured myself a glass of Sauvingon Blanc and took a nice sip as I leaned against my counter for a few seconds. Then I got to work.

First I thought I’d plug the TV in against one wall. I could sit in my couch and watch Michael Phelps in all his glory. And let’s not even get started on the gymnastics. Oh! The gymnastics. HOW I LOVE THE GYMNASTICS! I plugged it in and it was a no go. Okay. I’ll try plugging the TV in on the opposite wall and plug it into the cable outlet on that wall. Not that I have cable, but I still thought I’d try. I twisted the cable into the wall and then into the TV set and said a quick prayer. I got channel two and channel four, both in black and white and both not NBC. How dreadful is my life?!?!?!?

Now here is my real beef: Why can't I just plug in a TV and get all the basic channels? Shouldn’t CBS and ABC and (especially) NBC have enough power and backing to provide even a basic service to us lowly people that don’t have cable? Perhaps it’s the thought that NO ONE would even dare not have cable now-a-days. Hmmm... Even so, it is rather disheartening to me, who just wants to watch the Olympics in my home. So I sit in a bar across the street from home and watch the best two weeks of television ever on a TV that doesn't know if it wants to be normal, green, blue, purple, or yellow. And let's not even mention the constant swirliness of the TV.

Yeah, I've been a little disconnected this time around. I haven't even watched 1/100th of what I have wanted to see. That's odd. But it is still the Olympics!

I love the Olympics! Did I mention that already?

Ode To My Toes

2008-08-12T21:37:00.004-06:00

WARNING: All of you who hate feet (and a little bit of blood and guts) should come back another day. Today, I'm talking about toes.

I was having breakfast with my friend Angie the other day when I hit my bandaged toe and winced. I told her how, as I was walking to church on Sunday, I rammed my big right toe into a ledge of concrete I didn't see sticking up in the sidewalk. I was looking up at the trees near the Capitol Building. Who really wants to look at the concrete when there are trees to love? So I slammed my toe into the concrete and was immediately forced to turn my gaze upon my toe, upon the sidewalk.

"Yep, it's a bleeder," I thought. I had less than two blocks to walk to church and I just had to make it. Of course I didn't have any Kleenex. But I passed some nice strangers and they had plenty of Kleenex and Band-Aids. So I cleaned and bandaged my wound and limped the rest of the way to church. And by the way, my toe is fine. Still a little on the raw side and hurting if I bump it, but it's okay.

After I told Angie this story, her response was "Your poor toes!" All I could do was laugh. It's true!

It started back on Memorial Day of 2006. I walked the Bolder Boulder with the BD's team in my Merrells. These shoes had taken me to the top of Mount Bierstadt and down in the and snowy/slushy mess that is was. Surely they could handle a little 10K walk. By the end of the day, after walking and then walking to work and working for a few hours I realized there was something seriously wrong. I knew I wasn't in the best of shape, but I should NOT have been limping as badly as I was. A few days later, I went to change my toenail polish and lo and behold, both of my big toenails were black. They proceeded to fall off and after about six months, regrow just fine. Thankfully!

Fast forward to August of 2007. Actually exactly a year and a week ago. I was in Mozambique. One of my first mornings there I started itching my left big and second toes. Something wasn't right. I took off my shoe at the orphanage and noticed that half of my foot had swelled up. The swelling went down but a few really AMAZING blisters popped up in it's place. Again, my toes were fine and they healed.

Then, this past February or March, while skiing with my friend Kara, I realized that my left foot was hurting quite a bit. Now I have always had problems with my boots fitting properly, but I have still become quite the good skier with them. This pain, though, was different than the normal discomfort. Again, I went to change my nail polish about a week later and guess what? My big left toenail was black. I went and got new ski boots shortly after that happened. My toenail fell off, again. And it is finally almost back to normal, again.

And then, of course, there was Sunday's occurrence. (Side note: did you know "occurrence" is spelled with two r's and an e, not an a? The things we learn while blogging!) Sunday's ramming was by far the least tragic of all my toe stories. I mean it barely even hurt. But heck! I know that something else, bigger and even more frightening, is right around the corner for my big toes. So I have decided to take matters into my own hands: I went and had my big toes removed. It was quick and painless and now I'm ready for whatever wants to come at my feet.

Why are y'all taking the time to read this? I really am a WEIRDO! But I do love you for being here!

Oh, The Horrors I Have Seen!

2008-08-10T22:34:00.000-06:00

When I moved into 1320 there was a lot of cleaning that needed to happen. I'm not just saying a lot. I'm saying a lot. A LOT. A LOT. I probably spent a good fifty hours cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. The bathroom still had some small layer of grime. The window sills were a mess. The baseboards were dusty beyond all comprehension (In all fairness, though, who really looks at the baseboards, besides OCD-ers like me?).

And then there's the kitchen, which still makes me want to run screaming: the fridge still had food stains in it. The shelves had a layer of dust that turned about 100 disinfecting wipes black, not to mention what I pray were coffee grounds spilled all over the top shelf. The drawers, oh the drawers: the top drawer had onion peels (the really thin papery top layer) in it and some really nastified shelf lining paper. The second drawer was painted shut, probably with good reason so that the kitty litter box couldn't be seen. I am not joking. I just about threw up. Thankfully there was no kitty litter, just the empty box, but still... The third drawer, also painted shut, was just plain dirty. Like it hadn't been cleaned since this place was built back in 1925. Needless to say I took all the drawers out to not only clean, but repaint and re-line with pretty shelving paper. But when I did that I found a whole other world of wretchedness in there. At this point I sort of wanted to cry. When I finally managed to open up the cabinet next to the drawers (it too was painted shut), I did cry. It was sort of like a really tripped out, not cute version of Fraggle Rock, minus the creatures. Praise God.

So I left the kitchen, cried for a brief minute, sat on my couch and wallowed, then returned. I vacuumed the HECK out of those drawers and cabinet, painted them all a nice gleaming white and put very pretty, green shelving liner in them. Now I smile when I open them up. Well, I don't smile really, but I certainly don't want to go running.

And lastly there is the stove and oven. That's a whole other post with tons of pictures for the not-faint-of-heart. I still want to sob when I think about the stove and oven. Seriously.

I finished all of that cleaning two or three weeks ago. The only thing left to talk about is the heaters. Meet the heater in my living room:

It's one of the lovely old kind that I hear can burn the crap out of your leg if you hit it. I'll be careful. As I was cleaning the baseboards and window sills, I saw that these too were extremely dusty. I tried my absolute darndest to clean them with the wipes, but really, that would have taken up about two hundred of those wipes. And I was freaking tired of deep cleaning. So I have been avoiding the heaters. Until today.

Meet my vacuum:

My dear friends Julie and Kent were having a garage sale and this was a part of it. They told me I could just have it and my heart literally leaped for joy. This vacuum saved my life with Fraggle Rock. I really do not think I could have handled it otherwise.

Anyway, as I was vacuuming today I thought, "If this vacuum can salvage Fraggle Rock, certainly it can handle the heaters." Meet my vacuum's brush:

It sort of did this teeth cleaning maneuver that worked so brilliantly, I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it earlier. It was easy, painless, and one of the nicest treats of this long escapade of cleaning.
They make a stunning pair don't you think? I'm pretty much in love with this vacuum. Really. Seriously. In love.

Hey! What do you think of the walls? There's a little taste. More to come soon, I really do promise. I'm unpacking boxes tomorrow and Tuesday. Once it looks a little more homey, not just a prettily painted apartment with nothing else adorning it, I'll show you 1320's full glory. Until then, though, good night. Good night. Good night!

The Bomb

2008-08-07T17:09:00.003-06:00

I work in a bar. I actually do really like my job most days. I get to meet a ton of interesting people (just today I had a former NFL player in town on a yearly boys trip to a different ball park), I've come to establish good friendships with some of our regulars, and I make decent money. Plus I have the freedom to figure out what I really want to do, which I know is taking a long time, but that another story for another time. I feel pretty blessed most days.

In the past month I've been working quite a few lunches and there is a particular gentleman who comes in once a week-ish. We'll call him "Brett". Totally not his name, but let's pretend that this is some high-powered blog and we want to protect his identity. So "Brett" is good looking, smart, polite, funny, a bit on the quiet side, interesting, and I think he likes me. I like him too, from what I know of him, and I've thought "If he ever asks me out, I'll say yes." Most guys don't ask, but most guys I wouldn't say yes to. There is just something about "Brett".

So "Brett" comes in to lunch today, and we are chit-chatting about the weekend and whatever we have planned. He starts talking about his plans for that night, and I say "Wait, is today Thursday or Friday?" I see the realization slap him across his cheek.

"F---." is his response.

My brain does this:

Pause.

Did I hear that?

Pause.

Hmph.

Pause.

We continue the rest of our conversation and it's as pleasant and nice as usual. He leaves, again without asking me out, and I smile big and say "See you next week... Or maybe... Or yeah... Maybe... See you sometime soon!" I don't think he realizes what kind of nut case I am. Yet. Anyway, all through the remainder of our conversation, and throughout the rest of the day, I couldn't get the F-bomb out of my mind.

"F---."

It wasn't said maliciously. It was almost said as an afterthought.

I can understand why it's sometimes called the F-bomb. It just sort of drops. It makes a break in casual conversation. It can affirm my thoughts of some people, and shock my thoughts of others. I work in a bar. A sports bar, no less. The Bomb drops out of peoples mouths like nobody's business. Business men on their lunch breaks, my co-workers, angry sports fans, happy sports fans, frat boys, stupid girls (Really Ladies, there is no excuse for the f-word to ever come out of your mouths!). People say it far too often. But I'm used to hearing it. I don't enjoy hearing it at all, but I'm used to it.

Out of "Brett's" mouth, though, it was a bomb. I didn't at all place him for a guy who used The Bomb. That's part of the reason I like him. He's not one of those guys. From what I know of him, he really is a gentleman. He says thank you more times than I can count, asks lots of good questions, answers well when questions are asked of him. He's a good guy. And no, I don't know him all that well. But after seeing thousands of guys filter through the doors over the past few years, you sort of get to know the types. And yes, there are a lot of types. "Brett" is the good guy type.

But The Bomb through a curve ball at me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to swing at it.

The Freakin' Cuteness

2008-08-06T21:19:00.004-06:00

Meet Finley, my friends. He may just be one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. I mean all babies are beautiful. More beautiful than lilacs in the Spring or a fresh snowfall in the Winter. More beautiful than the Grand Canyon or the Eiffel Tower. More beautiful than all my wonderful friends and family. I truly think that God did know what He was doing when He made babies the way they are.
But Finley... Well Finley is extra beautiful. Just look at him. He is the special, wonderful, magical blend of Jesus and two of my favorite people on the planet. Maybe that's why my heart tugs a little more towards him. Or maybe it's cause he's so dang freakin' cute. Especially when he has a staring contest with Daddy.

I got to spend an hour with Finley today. I know it doesn't seem like much, but to me, that was more precious than any other hour I have spent recently, including writing letters, painting, and preparing for upcoming adventures. Plus, I am so easily amused and babies may be some of the most amusing creatures God ever put on this planet. Like this. How can you not be amused by this face?
I just held him as he slept today, but watching him sleep was so much more interesting and delightful than it could ever be watching an adult. He made so many different noises that came from the depths of his heart right out of his tiny little mouth. He pouted with some noises, grinned with others, and made it known that he was not happy with others. He fussed and he whimpered but he kept on sleeping. He gurgled and sucked his tongue, he stretched and flexed. He held my pinky and kicked my arm. He peeked his eyes open before deciding it was okay to sleep again and then darted his eyes about under his closed lids. He did the wide open snow angel pose and he curled into a tight little bundle. His limbs hung limp and then he went rigid. His mouth hung open, and he pursed his lips in a cry.

As I held Finley today, I thought about all my dear friends having babies. Awhile back, one of my dearest friends, Krista, asked if it was hard for me to see all of these children coming into our lives when I'm not even married. "No, not really" was my answer. I know that I will marry when God says the time is right. And I will have kids when the time is right. That doesn't mean I don't long for a husband and family, sometimes more than even I would like to admit. But I also know this: As I held this precious little babe, I wanted only to be holding him in that very moment. My friends' beautiful baby boy. No thoughts of my own even passed through my head.

Just this wonderful little delight named Finley. Praise you, Jesus, for him.

Tess, My Across-The-Hall Neighbor

2008-08-05T20:48:00.004-06:00

Life continues on at a normal rate, even if this blog does not. It's been almost a week, and I've had so many intentions of writing. Thoughts come to mind countless times a day and I think "You should write about that, Gretchen." Then the thought passes and I get home and decide to paint instead of write. Or I hang out with peeps from work. Or with Tess, my across-hall-neighbor.

Tess is quite the lovely lady. She's pure bred Southern, and with that in itself I am quite smitten. Add to that the fact that she is pretty dang funny, quirky, and just all together has this sweet little innocence going on, how can one not like her. Plus, did I mention that she's from the South? Really, what's not to like?

We tend to have somewhat random, every-now-and-then conversations, ranging from boys to work to boys to life to friends to boys to dreams to wine to... Well, they're random conversations and yet I think we tend to make some sense of them. She's a brilliantly funny writer and she would probably back down from me saying that, so if you ever meet her make sure you mention that she's a brilliantly funny writer. In fact you can read a few pieces she's written for the mile hive.

Some things I've learned from Tess:
- Saying "Bless their heart" is not compliment. Quite the opposite, actually.
- There are still people my age that do not do remotes. Huh.
- Bedbugs do really exist. Bless her heart... I really do mean that in the best way possible, Tess : )
- There is one other person out there who does give themself away to strangers. Thank you!
- It's nice to have a not-roommate.

So that's a short little look at Tess. She's really is a delight and you all should meet her!

------------

Two little notes:
1. I think I may have just heard my new obsession on the radio: Safety Suit. WOW!
2. 1320 is almost done being painted. It's lookin' good, people. Real good! I promise pictures soon : )

Yes, Even At This Hour

2008-07-31T02:28:00.004-06:00

Okay. It is about 2:30 on Thursday morning. I was supposed to work about 5 hours tonight. Instead, I worked about 10. I'm tired. I've had one too many beers on an empty stomach. And that totals three... Yes, I am the biggest light-weight you'll ever meet. But how do you say no when someone just puts another one in front of you? Molly's Brown Ale is so good. Ah yes, beer. It's taken me quite a while to get to this point, but I do believe I can finally say it: beer is good.

Yes, I am a light weight. When three beers over the course of two hours puts one in the tipsy stage, yes, I think that makes them a light weight. But remember I work in a bar. Alcohol is a part of my life. I would be considered silly by most of my customers, and coworkers. Maybe bartending is not the thing that makes me most proud, but it's what I do. What makes me proud is saying no to the part of my job that is not Him. It's the hardest part of my job. The part where this really cute guy comes in and seems wonderful. But I know that he is not a part of Jesus. And it REALLY sucks. REALLY. But somewhere in the middle of it all, He changes my heart. That makes me proud.

At least for a little bit. Then I realize that it is Jesus changing my heart, not me doing the work. Then I realize that I would be complete shite without Him. It's a good realization to come to. Even at three o'clock in the morning.

Someone tell me how I am going to wake up in four hours. Starbucks... Do you deliver? Please say yes!

Tonight's Indiscretion

2008-07-28T23:11:00.004-06:00

As I was walking home from work tonight, and yes, for all you "mothers" out there - I was walking with someone, a boy, and no, for all you "fathers" out there - he is not a boyfriend. I just got WAY too confused with commas in that sentence, so I'm going to start over...

As I was walking home from work tonight, Matt and I were talking about what we each do to settle down each night after work. He was going to go home, plop down, and (after looking at his phone to know the time) watch Conan. Sounded like a plan to me. Like a delightful plan. One flaw for me, though: I don't have a television. I purposely choose not to have a tv, but goodness knows how I would like one sometimes. Sometimes being right now. But that's not the real reason I am writing. I write to confess something.

Matt asked me what I was going to do. I told him I have this blog that I am really going to try my darndest (How the heck do you spell "darndest" anyway?) to keep up with so I would probably write something on it. I had no clue yet what I would write, though. I still don't think I am ready to go near what Jesus and I were fighting about. I don't think I can put it into words yet. So I'm sorry, you still don't get to hear that.

I bid Matt a good night, climbed the stairs to my apartment, walked in, and went immediately to the kitchen. PRAISE GOD! I HAVE A WORKING REFRIGERATOR!!!! I can't even tell you how awful it is to not be able to have food in your house because your refrigerator won't cool anything down. It's not quite as awful as throwing out a wonderful package of havarti because your refrigerator made it go bad. Gretchen was very sad that day. Very sad. But now I have a refrigerator. I kept some milk and lime-ade over at my friend Tess' place, and went to look for her at work, but she wasn't there. So I meandered up to the local market place less than a block away and walked in.

Oh... I should never have walked in. Because once in there I was reminded of a story that Matt told me earlier. It was quite the funny story of him in Queen Soopers purchasing an item when he just flat out fainted. Dehydration and altitude, it'll do that to you. But at least he can laugh about it now. But what's really important about this story is what he was buying. Oh dear... I should never have walked in.

Matt was buying Ben & Jerry's. And when I walked into my local corner store and saw the beautiful freezer of Ben & Jerry's, I could not say no. It all of the sudden was not a part of my vocabulary. And although they didn't have John Lennon's brand of B&J (Matt's ice cream he was wanting to enjoy), they did have the Dave Matthews Band brand. And I couldn't say no.

Most of this would not concern the normal person. Why would a girl buying a pint of ice cream be such a big deal. It's not. BUT I LOVE ICE CREAM. I love sweets. And all this month, I've had a hard time saying no. Oh my indiscretion! Someone help get me back on track with where I can say no again. Please help. Really. Please.

But not until I take another bite. Indiscretion is so delicious, after all.

At 14th and Grant

2008-07-27T20:43:00.004-06:00

I went to a new church this morning. Not that I am switching churches at all. I very much love The Sanctuary, but we meet on Sunday evenings. There are so many churches that are in walking distance of my place that I decided to try one this morning. First Baptist Church of the Master was built 140 years ago and looks like it was transplanted from the times of our founding fathers. It's a beautiful red brick building with a graceful steeple and red marble columns. There is one lone aisle which lies under a widely arched ceiling boasting nothing but wonderful simplicity. Despite the size of the church, there was a complete lack of assumption in it's entirety, and I loved it. As I took my seat in a pew near the back (after all, that is where you sit when you are new to a place), I watched as Pastor Gary went around and greeted every single person who was already there. Even me.

As the organ started playing, I noticed how small the congregation was. The sanctuary could easily hold ten times the number of people there. Those who were there, though, were warm-hearted and genuine. The music was nothing to write home about, led by one woman and an organ... I can't help but be a little picky about music. But the reader of the bible passages was enthralling. As he read Romans 8, I could not help but think that this was a man who knew God's heart and was truly was speaking it forth to us. I think that I would have listened all day to him reading from the Bible. Heck, maybe even Numbers would be wonderful if he would read it. And Pastor Gary, he has a lovely heart. He certainly is not the most dynamic speaker in the world, but he yearns for God, and that is one of the most beautiful qualities I can imagine.

And through all this, I was sad as I sat in church this morning. I saw this tiny congregation that truly was trying to seek His heart. They were so welcoming to a lone girl like myself, and I pray that God will bless their home. I would love to see that church flourish with His blessings!

If you ever have a Sunday morning free and you are in Downtown Denver, take a stroll over to 14th and Grant around 10:30. There you will find a darling little family ready to share His love.

This Is All I've Got

2008-07-25T22:14:00.002-06:00

I've tried three times now to write about a fight I had with Jesus last night, and I think I am just far too tired to get it out. But know that I am in the middle of a fight, and my heart feels like it's been rubbed a little too much by a pumice stone. The good thing I've learned about my fighting with Jesus, though, is that no matter how much it hurts and how much I don't like Him, I always end up one step closer to Him in the end.

I guess that means I've got about a million more fights to go.

1320...

2008-07-24T18:04:00.008-06:00

Hello again.

Well, it has been more than a month since I last wrote about apartment hunting. It has been a month filled with moving, travel, babies and lots and lots and lots and lots (did I mention LOTS?) of cleaning. I have finally moved in, and it is a glorious thing to have ones own place to call home. Glorious. I hope that I can become a bit more steady about keeping these up. There are so many aspects of life on Capitol Hill that fascinate me, and I can't wait to tell you all!

But for now you are going to get to see the lovely before-I-moved-in pictures of 1320, as I fondly call it : )

Foto Nummer Eins: A computer "sketch" of the layout. And in all actuality it's pretty dang to scale. Yes, the bedroom is that small!

Nummer Zwei: The living room when you first walk in. It's much bigger than this picture gives to it's justice.

Nummer Drei: The living room from the other side, looking into the bedroom.
Nummer Vier: The bedroom from the doorway. Big windows... I love it!
Nummer Funf: Bedroom from the bathroom perspective. Can I just say that the ceiling fans have saved my life?

Nummer Sechs: The rather large bathroom.

Nummer Sieben: The bathroom and closet, from the bedroom window. It's a fairly large closet (currently COMPLETELY filled with boxed and clothes and boxes). Praise Jesus for large closets!
Nummer Acht: My little hallway kitchen, with perhaps the most wonderful shelves ever (once they got cleaned)! And the itty bitty stove/oven, and the one sink, and the zero counter space. But hey, it's freaking CUTE!

Nummer Neun: The other part of the kitchen... Benches, and perhaps my favorite part of the whole apartment: The little built in shelf. AMAZING!

So that is 1320. It's small, it has it's quirks that I am daily learning about. In fact, today's quirk: The water will completely shut off every now and then. Just for a few seconds, but when your standing butt naked in the shower, with shampoo running down your face and the water just shuts off, you do sort of wonder. Hmmm...

In any case, come visit me! If you know me, you have my number. Call me : )

Apartment Hunting, Part Deux

2008-06-11T21:59:00.003-06:00

But I couldn't get Molly Brown out of my mind.

I went to Cheeseman Park, filled out the application, and took it back to DJ. When I pulled up, there was a pretty girl sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette. I stepped out of my car to ask if she liked living here.

Oh I don't live here. I'm just dropping off a deposit.

Oh. Ummm... Well that's funny. I was just dropping off the application. What apartment are you looking at?

The one in the back. On the south side.

Oh. Ummm. Well that's interesting. (As you can see, I'm pretty good at unique, creative thoughts.) That's the one I was looking at.

Now fortunately this girl is from the South. South Carolina to be exact. Tess was a complete dear from the moment we started talking and she insisted on letting me have the place. Of course I insisted back. She was living in a hotel room in AURORA and that was just completely unacceptable. Besides, there was Ben's place. I would be perfectly happy there. But there was a twinge of remorse in my heart. (That's when I knew that this was the place I wanted to live. Despite the itsy-bitsy kitchen with it's missing drawer, despite the teeny-tiny bedroom, and despite you all knowing exactly where I would live... Well, I knew this was a place I could call home. I also knew that Jesus would give me a new home, though. Ah, don't we all just LOVE the cheesy Christianity. I wouldn't be happy about losing this place, but what is best is what would happen.)

Side note... To all you editors out there, I am terrible at grammar and punctuation and almost anything writing related. I know I can BS pretty dang well (I got great grades on papers that I finished writing, not editing, but WRITING ten minutes before they were due.). That said, I don't know what most of my teachers would say about an entire paragraph being in parentheses. But since I'm no longer in school, you are just going to have to deal!

ANYWAY...DJ shows up. And he realizes he has a slight problem on his hands. We both profusely bow out, and I finally put my foot down.

Tess, you can have it. It is fine. Really (And really it was.)

DJ opens his mouth, There is another one bedroom, but it is more expensive. Or I also have a studio.

He took us to see these and I knew that it wasn't going to work out. The other one bedroom was out of my price range and the studio... I have a question for you all. Who REALLY lives in a studio? How do you live in a studio? Seriously. I have no concept for how one would live in a studio. It sounds atrocious.

I told DJ that I didn't think it would work... Ah well, there is something better. I knew it.

Well, the girl across the hall is moving out at the end of the month. That one will be open.

Ummm... And you didn't mention this earlier because why?!?!?!?!?!? I felt like saying. I am more polite than that to just blurt something like that out.

So already long story barely shortened: Tess is moving into the original apartment on Friday. I am going to be her neighbor across the hall on July 7th. We all will live happily ever after. Or at least for a year.

And the best part is I get to paint! Whooooo Doggies!

Apartment Hunting

2008-06-09T21:03:00.003-06:00

I have lived with friends (or very wonderful acquaintances) for more than...oh nine years. For the last two years I have lived with the best of friends possible. Between Karissa and Justin and now Chris and Kara, I could hardly be luckier.

All the schmoozing said (PLEASE tell me you picked up on my intense sarcasm), I need to move on. I have loved living with all the wonderful peeps over the past nine years, but I'm almost 28. (Did I really just write that out loud?) I want a place of my own. I want a place where I don't feel guilty about leaving my teapot with tea in it for a week... Not that I would EVER do such a repulsive thing. I want a place where my stuff isn't crowded into one room. I want a place to put my dishes, and carrot peeler and flour sifter. So I have started looking for places.

Craigslist, my friends. Craigslist.

Friday
1295 Clarkson Street Corner apartment with refinished hardwood floors in vintage building.
Yes, it is a corner apartment. Yes, it is a very vintage building. But that's about where it ends. The refinishing on the hardwood floors was probably done back in the 50s. And the vintage part of this... Umm, isn't vintage supposed to be cool? Or at least a little cool? Yeah, when the tile is coming up in the bathroom and the toilet looks like it is the original from eighty years ago, well... No.

Now I tend to think I can see past the shell and make something out of nothing, but this one had me stuck.

Sunday
2727 Curtis Street Tree house like apartment with killer views.
I fell in love with this place the minute I stepped in the door. And I am really not joking. If the owner had not been present I probably would have tossed out all the girls clothes and belongings, changed the locks, and never left. There were nooks and crannies galore. Shelves upon shelves upon shelves. And it just spoke my heart language. I filled out an application and prayed that I would hear from John, the owner. That was yesterday and maybe I will still hear from him, but... I also prayed that if it was not right, that Jesus would give me another apartment that spoke to me.

Today
143o Humboldt Beautifully renovated apartment.
This may be the one that killed me the most. I call the number that is listed and I hear what can only be described as dying mama bear in a little old ladies body answer the phone "Can I help you?" I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to say at first.
Yes, I was wondering if you had any one bedrooms available.
"Yes. We do. When do you need to move in?"
Well, I'm not really under any time or leasing constraint. Might I be able to see it today?
"Yes. Be here at two." Click.

I show up at about five minutes before two and ring the managers office. I am let in after another very short, very terse conversation. And then one of the nicest, if not kookiest, little ladies I've ever met, comes around the corner. I immediately forgive her of her dying mama bear voice. And I think "This may be okay." She shows me the apartment, which was nice enough, but certainly not beautifully renovated. But even more so, it's not me. It's yellow flavored. Not in color, but just the flavor of the place was... yellow. I don't know how else to put it.

As I drive around looking for a coffee shop and restroom I happen upon

1325 Pennsylvania Not found on craigslist.
I call the number listed and ask about the place. The price the man names is within my budget. There must be something wrong. I ask if I can see it at some point, and he says "How about right now?" I pull up two minutes later, after circling three weird city blocks.

OHMIGOSH.

It is DIRECTLY next door the the Molly Brown house. Now you may not know this about me, but I am slightly obsessed (remember what I told you in yesterday's blog) with Molly Brown. But just slightly. If you don't know anything about her, first read here. Then go rent The Unsinkable Molly Brown. It's a fantastic , VERY loosely based musical biography. But the songs are fun, and it's a great waste of two hours. All that to say, I'm pretty stoked about this place, and I haven't even stepped inside.

DJ opens the door and I step into a large living room. Old, but delightful. I like it. Then I go see the bedroom. SMALLLLLLLLLL! Will my double bed fit in here? Yes, but it will be tight. Bathroom... Not bad, not good. Kitchen... Probably the smallest kitchen on record. Seriously. Think about the closets in your dorm room in college. Now add maybe two feet onto that. Yeah. That's what we're dealing with here. But even so... There is something about this place. Quaint. And charming. And totally in need of major repairs, but still...

1135 Ogden Street Great studio in classic 1930s building.
I waited for 15 minutes for Robert before I left. I can't live in a studio anyway. Can I?

1140 Downing Street Nice one bedroom in quiet neighborhood, one block from park.
It was exactly what I was looking for. A nice, clean one bedroom place. The kitchen was sooooooo much larger than what I had just seen, and while the living area was a bit smaller, it was still more what I thought I would want. Something safe (and not in the safety sort of way, but in the not-taking-a-leap-of-faith sort of way). Something sturdy. All the cabinets were good in the kitchen. The bathroom actually had a mirror you could see your reflection in. And there were flowers everywhere. The rent was good, and Ben said it had served him greatly.

But I couldn't get Molly Brown out of my mind.

I took an application from Ben, because I really, truly did like his place. I went to Cheeseman Park and filled out Molly Browns application. I took it back to DJ and...

A melancholy soundtrack to my smile

2008-06-08T20:48:00.011-06:00

Yes, it is a week since I last wrote. I knew that I would have a hard time starting this up and being consistent about it. I can't even send my own brother a Happy Graduation card that has been sitting on my desk for two weeks. How in the world am I going to write a blog? Yet here I am to try again...

Tonight I would like to talk about my latest musical obsession.

Side note: I tend to have a slightly obsessive personality. About almost everything.

Anyway, musical obsession... "Sometime Around Midnight" - The Airborne Toxic Event. I heard this song on the radio last Sunday, and immediately LOVED it. There is something that speaks to my soul through it. I don't know if it's his voice, the way it builds up, the lyrics, the melody, or just the combination of it all. It's one of those songs that I'll listen to ten years from now and still remember the first time I heard it and the emotion it sparked in me.

Now go listen to it, immediately. Then come back and we'll talk more about it. Oh yeah! The link! It should be the first song that starts playing.

Hmm...

Done yet? You've only listened to the first few lines... Nope! Listen more. The whole dang thing! And don't come back until it's finished!

Okay. Now press pause so you don't get distracted by the next song. Or if you still want background noise listen to it again. And now that you are set we can continue this one-sided conversation...

Why do I love this song? I think there is a time where we can all relate to this song. It may not be at a bar, it may not be at a concert, it may not even be a specific memory, but there is this piece of you that can just relate.

And it starts sometime around midnight, or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two... And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for awhile...

Aren't you just there? Can you remember losing yourself to utter emotion? Maybe it's the questions I've been asking over the past few months. Maybe it's the lack of answers. Maybe it's the okay that makes this line course through my blood stream. Maybe it's just the few minutes in life that you are lost to yourself. Whether to elation, pain, sadness, joy, anger, calm, or any of the other 4 million emotions we experience. We become that. It sounds scary when I write it out. Maybe it is in the wrong person, but it is what makes us human. My moments of losing myself come few and far between, but I remember the feeling. It's something that can't be taken away from you.

And the piano's a melancholy soundtrack to her smile. But you know she's watching. She's laughing, she's turning, she's holding her tonic like a cross...

This song is way too beautiful for me. It gives me chills listening to it. Even after the thousandth time...

Do you remember that person? That person who, for better or worse, you loved, and they changed you? Do you remember that person who, for better or worse, still has a little piece of you? For who, for better or worse, there will always be small corner of your heart. I have three... In three completely different ways. But they changed me. And for as much pain and confusion I went through with them, I wouldn't go back and do anything differently. And when I see them, I smile and I turn. I hold my tonic like a cross. And I pray they can't see the little corner that still loves them.

Now if you know me even a little you know that this song doesn't quite fit me in the exact wordings. BUT MY GOSH!

And you feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine...

And it's building and building and building and you feel like your heart is pounding, wanting to be there. Wanting to remember that person. Wanting to lose yourself. Then he lets loose, and you feel this sort of release...

And you walk, under the street lights, and you're too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at you. You don't care what you look like. The world is falling around you...

You just have to see her. You just have to see her. You just have to see her. You know that she'll break you in two.

No. This isn't about some guy for me, although there are three guys that have forever changed me. And it's not about sex. There is no although for that part : ) It's that deep, soul-twisting, emotion-breaking, losing-yourself longing.

Jesus.

I just have to see you. I just have to see you. I just have to see you. I know that you'll break me in two.

And I want nothing more.

Except to hear this song again.

Sunday, lovely Sunday - by G2

2008-06-01T20:44:00.004-06:00

I sit outside typing one handed as I eat the rest of my chocolate chip milkshake and watch the remaining bits of pink sky fade to yellow, then gray, then blue. The highway near my place provides enough background noise, as do the occasional planes, barking dogs, and chirping birds... But the dusk still seems peaceful. I see a dark, blueish gray outline of the mountains, and still to this day wonder at how lucky I am to live in Colorado, even after almost nine years of living here.

Ah... Milkshake is all eaten. Typing with two hands is soooooo much easier : )

Today is Sunday. I love Sundays for a few different reasons. I don't know if it is my favorite day of the week, but I do tend to love them. (I think I am pretty partial to Tuesdays and Thursdays if we are talking favorites.) Why do I love Sundays? Well, there are a few different reasons:

1. It seems like such a relaxed day. It's a slower pace for most of the world and people seem to be taking a breath. The people you pass on the street are strolling. They smile as they pass you, and heck, some even say hello! How about that? If I'm at work, people aren't as urgent. They aren't so needy. They enjoy a little bit more. It's a Sabbath, whether most want to admit it or not.

2. It's the sweetest day of my week. Literally. I am severely addicted to sugar. I could eat cookies, Hot Tamales, ice cream, brownies, cakes, scones, muffins and Frappucinos all day, every day. And should I even mention Mountain Dew? Oh! How I love the drink. I think it comes straight from heaven. Or maybe hell in the way it tempts me... Amazing, that drink is! So yes, I am addicted to sugar. And there would be days when sugar is all I ate. Seriously. It wasn't as uncommon as you think it should be. Last year, for Lent, I gave up all sweets. Everything sweet thing that wasn't a fruit was banned from my diet. It was hard, but great. Lent, though, only lasts for 40 days. So I decided this year, for my New Year's resolution, I would do it again. Without so strict a standard. If a cereal has a very nominal amount of sugar, fine. It a fruit juice has a very small amount of sugar, fine. If my jam has only fruit juice as a sweetner, fine. Although I will say on that one, those Simply Fruit jams are amazing. They are really sweet! I have one-pump-sugar-free-vanilla lattes from Starbucks. I put honey on top of my Wheaties. I am allowed to cheat on special occasions, but I don't indulge on any of the above mentioned...

Except for on Sundays. My tally for today: Cookies. Mocha. Mountain Dew. Blueberry scone. Root Beer. Raisinets. Chicken sandwich. Mountain Dew. Cookies. Chocolate chip milkshake. Yeah... I'm pathetic, but I sure do love it!

3. Church. I love my church. I love the people that attend. I love the worship. I love the preaching. I love the reality of it. I love that I can cry all the way up to communion and throughout the rest of the service (not today, but a few weeks ago). I love that prayer is big and real. I love that we have broken, honest people, willing to share their stories. Willing to say "I don't know, but okay." I love that there are people who wrestle with Jesus as much as I do.

You may wonder why I put Church as #3 and not #1. Truth be told, it is #1, but today, as in the past few months, I had a hard time at church. I was having a great day all decked out in my new dress and my new purse. My hair curled well, my make-up looking good. Yep, I was as cute as a button. And I was laughing today. Work was dreadfully slow and I wandered up and down the streets for awhile, but I felt good about today. Then I walked into church.

What happened? The sadness overcame me again. And I realized, "No, I'm not done with this."

I'm not done needing to learn how to trust Jesus. How to seek after Him, instead of "him." I'm not done needing to see where He is taking me in all this. And I know for certain that He is not done showing me all that He is doing. In fact, I don't even think He has started to show me what He is doing. Part of me wonders if that is because I am not letting Him lead me there.

When did I stop praying? When did I stop EAGERLY seeking Him? Yes... I have asked a million questions, I have listened a hundred minutes, but when did I stop expecting Him to say "I love you, Gretchen." When did I stop listening for that? Somewhere over the past few months. And I'm not saying that the sadness is a reflection of my lack of belief or my lack of prayer. I do believe He wants to say "I love you" in the sadness. He has taken me into the fog to give me more of Himself.

I was writing in my journal about a week ago when a picture suddenly came over me. Jesus and I were walking through a dense forest. I kept running ahead, knowing there was some amazing vista to behold. If only I could get through the forest. I would run, yelling impatiently behind me, "Come on Jesus! Come on! Hurry up! We need to get to the cliff to see what there is to see!"

Jesus slowly meandered His way along the path. He stopped and waited for me to return to Him, and when I did, He said "But Gretchen, you are missing all the beautiful flowers along the way. Stop for a moment and be here with Me. I have created these flowers for you and me. For this part of our journey."

Can I stop and and be amidst the flowers? I don't know, but I sure do hope so.

The pinks, yellows, blues, and grays have long since faded into black and the battery is quickly dying on my computer. Despite all the questions, it was a lovely Sunday. I bid you adieu for tonight!

My very interesting night

2008-05-28T00:10:00.006-06:00

Do you know what is pathetic? When I check a blog that I am addicted to several times a day and get depressed when my lady is not updating. Isn't that pathetic? She's a homemaker, home schooling mom of four, SERIOUS amateur photographer, and the wife of a rancher. Plus she runs the most amazing blog ever. Well, I think it's the most amazing blog ever. And in all truth it's really the only blog I've ever read more than two times.

I just checked her site for probably the tenth time today. My life is pathetic.

In other news in the Life and Times section of my life:

It took me eight episodes of Sex and the City (that's the entire Season 5), two glasses of my new favorite wine (Sauvignon Blanc... Can you believe I've never bought a bottle of this stuff before? I can't!), and an entire CPK Thai Chicken pizza (the King Soopers size) to set up a Flickr account and upload a recent "photo shoot" of two of my friends. Justin and Karissa are having a baby and I just got a new camera. What better way to celebrate than taking maternity shots? I can think of no other better way in my tired-of-looking-at-the-computer-state. That said, now you get to see a few. And remember, I'm still learning my camera and definitely still learning that little devil called Adobe Photoshop Elements. (I'm ashamed to add the elements part, but geez this program is making me work!)

I actually really like this shot. The original non-edited version was MUCH brighter, but I softened it a whole ton and took a lot of the color out. Makes it a little more understated. I guess I just like it that way!

And I really love this one. The shadow. I love the shadow.

This is probably my favorite photo of that day. I love Justin's expression. And Karissa... Well, Karissa looks just about as happy and beautiful as I have ever seen her look. What more could you ask for one of your dearest friends?

Those are my photos. If you want to see more click here. It's my Flickr page. TBUWIC. To Be Updated Whenever I Can.

OOOOOH! And ever more important than that: THE MOST AMAZING BLOG EVER. She will always put me to shame... Ugh!

Good night : )

To post or not to post. 'Tis a great question.

2008-05-27T00:37:00.002-06:00

So what is there to be said less than 48-hours-post "okay"? Maybe nothing. Maybe something.

Yesterday, Sunday, was the first day in quite awhile that I have felt like myself. Interesting when you can just feel yourself return. It's a breath of fresh air. Maybe it was just the process of getting to the point where I can say "okay" that needed to happen. Maybe that's all I had to learn. Probably not. (When do we ever stop learning?)

I know that my heart is still discontent. It yearns for something more than can be found on this earth. Oh for that day! But the yearnings do take a more grounded path as well. That's for me to know, though. Probably never you : )

Where do we go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. (Name that musical!) But it's true. I intended for a lot of things, but this place where I am and where my heart is... Well, it's not where I intended to be. I don't know where we go, though. You do. And that's okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes, I do still have to say it. Numerous times. Over and over again.

This is all starting to sound like the ramblings of delirium. I should go now, and try to convince myself to not publish this. Or at least delete it when I wake up.

Good night, dear world that does not yet know of me!

On my new favorite drive...

2008-05-25T00:19:00.016-06:00

Everywhere I have ever lived, I have had a "drive." It's a route that I take to clear my head, relax, vent my frustrations, pray, or just a place to play really loud music with the windows down. I don't think so much about the driving, sounds terrible, I know. But it's so comfortable a place. It's where I go when I need respite.

In Racine, The Drive winds south past the mall, east towards the Lake, and passes my lighthouse towards the end. In Boulder it usually took my up to Lyons and then back, or just around the Table Mesa area if I didn't have much time. And down here, in Lakewood... Well, let's just say I think I just found it tonight. Up I-70 to the Genesee exit, back down the frontage road, down towards Red Rocks and over Dinosaur Ridge. As I was on the road heading towards Red Rocks, I realized, this is my Drive.

Here are a few sights you might see on my Drive:

Yes, I did just get a new camera. Yes, I did just get Photoshop. Yes, I am still learning. Please don't judge these pictures! But wouldn't you be relaxed looking at those sights? And that snow is from last week, so don't think I'm posting old pictures : )

Anyway...

Lately, I've been driving in silence. Life has been hard and God has been weird and I don't want to listen to the blah blah blah of the radio most of the time. So I drive in silence. And tonight was no different. It's completely black out and there were very few other cars on the road, so I drove on. Thinking about nothing and everything.

Life has been interesting over the past two months. I'm usually a fairly upbeat, happy person. I can hope where hope seems to dwindle, smile when I should be frowning, and love where love is needed. But right now... Well, I don't know what's really going on. I can still hope. I can still smile. And I can still love. But it's not me. It's like some robotic me that is taking my place.

I'm not a person prone to sadness, but it seems that's all I really have. I've inquired about this numerous times. And His answer, well, if you want to call it an answer... More of a I-really-hope-this-is-your-somewhat-answer-because-
-if-not-then-I-am-really-screwed. His answer is that He's doing something. He is preparing me. With SADNESS? I don't know what to do when I wake up every morning wanting to cry. Or when I break down in church or snap at my co-workers when they are trying to help. What do I do with this always PMS-ing Gretchen?

That was what my heart was pondering as I turned from the I-70 frontage road south towards Red Rocks. I took a wide curve and I just gave up. Not on the driving! There was this moment of release where I was able to say "Okay, Jesus."

Okay, Jesus.

Okay.

Okay.

It's not monumental. It's not even close to monumental. But it's me saying no matter what He is doing in my life, it's okay. It's me saying I don't understand, but I trust you. I've been fighting this for nearly three months, always questioning, always wondering when the answer is really going to come, always praying that this time would be over. I always knew He was in control, that this wasn't just a scheme from Satan. Yes, Satan may attack when I am weak, but this has not been Satan. This sadness, this time of mourning, has been God changing my heart. But I haven't been okay with it.

And with one little Drive I think I might be now.

Maybe He allows me to wrestle oh-so-constantly and vigorously just so I can come to the place where I can say okay.

Okay Jesus.

Okay.

It's going to be okay.